


ExPat

by ThatMasterOnline



Category: Far Cry 4
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-03-15 17:51:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 31,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13618545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatMasterOnline/pseuds/ThatMasterOnline
Summary: A robbery goes wrong. The story takes a different turn from there.





	1. The Robbery

**Author's Note:**

> Because sometimes Ajay will be pronounced Ah-jay and sometimes it will be pronounced Ay-jay, I'll be using the Ā for the ay sound. Ajay will be pronounced Ah-jay, and Ājay will be pronounced Ay-jay.

“Give me the money!”

“Get lost, you bunch of punks, I’m busy.”

“You wanna die, old man? Give me the money!” Ajay’s job was to stand off to the side and look intimidating. The old man would give them the money without question, Jase had said. It would be easy. They wouldn’t even need to bring a gun. Now the old man was arguing. What would they do? They had nothing to threaten him with.

“I’m gonna give you one more chance, you old bastard. Empty out the till, and nobody gets hurt.” The old man rolled his eyes, and Ajay gulped. Jase had promised there wouldn’t be any violence, but...he wouldn’t put it past him to kick an old man’s ass. 

“Give me. The money.” Ajay gasped as Jase pulled out a handgun.

“Wha- Jase, you promised you wouldn’t bring a gun!!”

“Hey, relax, Ājay,” Jase murmured, stepping back. “I’m not gonna shoot it,” he whispered in Ajay’s ear, “It’s just for show. Relax, babe, we’re fine.” He kissed Ajay, and Ajay didn’t melt like he usually did. Jase had brought a gun. He had promised no guns, no violence, and now there was a gun? How many other times had Jase broken his promises without his knowing?

“What, you thought I’d go down without you having to pull your gun? Get lost, you bunch of pussies. You brought the gun, but it’d be suicide to shoot it, so it’s just a threat. Well I ain't cracking, so just get lost.”

It happened so fast. The gun went off and the old man dropped to the floor. Ajay’s heart dropped at about the same time.

“NO!” Ajay ran over, putting pressure on the man's wound and desperately trying to stop the bleeding. He was already starting to choke.

“Come on babe, let’s get the money and go, okay?”

“No, we have to help him!”

“Come ON, Ājay!”

“No! I’m staying here!”

“Ājay, let’s go or we’re over!”

“Then we’re OVER!” Jase ran away - looking back, Ajay knew he would - and Ajay pulled out his phone.

“911, what is your emergency?”

“I-I’m at the corner store on Fifth Street, the store owner’s been shot. I’m trying to stop the bleeding but I don’t think it’s working…S-send police too...I’ll tell them everything…”

When the police arrived, Ajay was sitting beside the man dejectedly, his hands covered in blood. The old man had long since stilled and started going cold.

“I’d like to wash my hands before you arrest me,” Ajay murmured quietly.

“...Why do you need to be arrested? Did you shoot him?”

“No, but my boyfriend did. Besides, we were trying to rob the store. ...I know it doesn’t make anything better, but I swear Jase promised he wouldn’t bring a gun. If I’d known he planned to bring the gun I wouldn’t have gone, I didn’t want anyone to get hurt…” Ajay sighed.

“I’ll tell you everything, I promise.” The police looked at eachother, then shrugged.

“...Go wash your hands in the back sink. Get cleaned up. We’ll bring you in after that.” Ajay nodded, scrubbing his hands so hard it felt like he was trying to wash away the shaking. 

When he came out, the police officers cuffed him and took him in the back of the car.

“I...I need to call my mom…” He began timidly.

“...After we find out what you know, okay?” Ajay nodded. Jase had been a bad influence. He knew that now. If Jase had never been a part of his life, he wouldn’t be sitting in a squad car on his way to prison - possibly forever. Ajay, who had never been a vengeful person, even all the times he was bullied in school, was suddenly angry.

“Jason Benjamin Rhodes. That’s his name. You should pick him up as well, he’s the one who fired the gun. He’s probably on his way home right now, 623 Fourth Street East.” The cops nodded and sent out a message over the radio. Ajay felt a burning satisfaction when the message came back saying they had picked him up, and the stolen money with him. 

They brought him to the police station, and Ajay was led into an interrogation room and offered water, coffee...Ajay chose tea.

“Okay. What can you tell me about what happened tonight?” Ajay sighed.

“It was Jase’s idea, all of it. My mom has cancer, and I don’t have the money for her treatment...he suggested if we rob the corner store, we’d get money, and nobody would care. Corner stores like that get robbed all the time, you know? No big. He said we’d just show up and look intimidating, and the old man would give us the money no problem. There'd be no violence, no guns, just in and out. He promised. I knew it was a bad idea, but...mom’s treatment means more to me than some store. When he pulled the gun, when the gun went off…” Ajay sighed, slumping back into his seat.

“He lied to me. He promised. If I had known...I would never have agreed. Nobody was supposed to get hurt…”

“Even the best laid plans go wrong, you know that.”

“Yes, but he wasn’t supposed to have a gun! Worst case scenario, the man refused and we bolted. I had no idea this was going to happen...it never should have happened! Jase NEVER should have brought that gun!” The cop sighed, sitting back in his chair.

“You said you needed the money, correct? Your mother’s cancer treatments?”

“She’ll die if we don’t get it to her…”

“And robbing the store was…”

“Jase’s idea. I was working more than forty hours a week to try and pay for it, but it wasn’t enough. He said if we robbed the store we’d have enough. I refused, at first, but…he said he'd do all the work. I didn’t even have to come along. I agreed only because...I didn’t want him to get hurt accidentally. I should’ve just stayed home...Now I’ll be fired from my job and mom’ll never get her cancer treatments…” The cop nodded.

“The state prosecutes murders harshly. Depending on the judge, you could get capital punishment even if you didn’t pull the trigger. But, considering the circumstances...I’ll try to fight for you. We both will. I’m not gonna lie, you’re not getting off, not even close, but I’ll try to make sure you’re alive somewhere, even if that’s prison.” Ajay nodded.

“...Okay. Thank you.”

“...You’re legally entitled to a phone call, do you want to call anyone?”

“...”

***

“Hello?”

“Mom?”

“Ajay? I don't recognize this number, where are you calling from?”

“Mom...something...bad...happened…”


	2. Crown v. Jason Rhodes

His mother was incredibly supportive. Ajay suspected that was because he broke down on the phone and bawled like a child. 

“Stop that, men don’t cry,” she chided, but her tone held none of the bite it usually did. For his mother, that was practically cooing to him. He explained himself, and apologized, and apologized again and again and again until his mother got sick of it.

“...Thank you for thinking of me,” she eventually said with a sigh, “You know what you did was wrong, and you know why you've made things worse.”

“I do. I’m so sorry…” He was starting to tear up again.

“Stop that, Ajay. I will allow once but not twice. I raised you to be stronger than this.”

“Right, right. Sorry.” He took a breath to compose himself.

“...The police say the court date is set for the twenty third…”

“I will be there, Ajay.”

“...Mom, I’m scared. What if they sentence me to death?”

“You cooperated with them every step of the way?”

“Absolutely. I gave them Jase’s address, testified to every single conversation that led to the robbery, and everything afterwards. I’ve heard the cops arguing to try and get a lighter sentence because I’ve been…’unusually eager to confess to everything’, he said. I don’t know what the decision will be.”

“That's what the trial will be for, Ajay. I have hope. They cannot sentence you to death when the only crime you intended to commit was robbery, and you yourself did not fire the gun. ...I have hope. You must keep yours.”

“Ājay Ghāle, thirty seconds!”

“Mom, I have to go.”

“I’ll see you on the twenty third. ...I love you, Ajay. I still love you and will always love you, no matter what happens.”

“...Stop that, mom, you’re gonna make me cry again.”

“I’ll see you soon, Ajay.”

“Bye.” 

Ajay tried as hard as he could to keep the tears at bay, for his mother’s sake.

When the twenty-third rolled around, Ajay was shocked to see Jase there too. The man was glaring daggers at him, he had probably figured out (or been told) that Ajay had sold him out. Oh well. They were over anyways. Jase had lied to him time and time again - he didn’t exactly have the right to be pissed Ajay had called him out on it.

The trial will now begin for Mr. Jason. Benjamin Rhodes, and then later for Mr. Ājay Ghāle. Benjamin, you suggested to Ājay that you rob the convenience store for money for his mother’s cancer treatments, correct?”

“I felt bad for him!”

“Very honourable. Ājay was reluctant though, wasn’t he? Why was that?”

“He’s a goody two-shoes who doesn’t want anyone to get hurt!”

“That’s hardly something to be insulted. But according to Ājay, you promised nobody would get hurt. Said you wouldn’t even have to bring a gun. I would rather a robbery didn’t happen, but if it had to, a robbery with no violence is the way to go. The way I see it...the conditions of consent were violated. Ājay agreed to this only if you didn’t bring a gun, and you brought a gun. Ājay himself said that he would never have agreed if he knew you had brought a gun. As soon as you pulled that gun, Ājay wanted no part of anything. His mother’s cancer treatment wasn’t worth another man’s life. And you did kill somebody. There aren’t very many mitigating circumstances for you. Plenty for Ājay, he didn’t fire the gun, he never planned on violence...but you brought the gun, you lied to Ājay, and you shot the man. The way I see it, and the way Ājay and everyone here sees it, you’re a bad influence.”

Hours and hours it went on. Ajay himself was called to testify, and some eyewitnesses Ajay hadn’t know about testified as well. 

“In the case of Crown v. Jason Rhodes, the court finds you guilty. You are be sentenced to death, to be carried out at a later date. Court adjourned, and we will take a ten minute recess.” Jase jumped him as he walked past, pulling his hair, but the guards pulled him off in a couple seconds. Jase spit on him in a last show of hatred, and the judge extended the recess to fifteen minutes so Ajay could clean himself up.


	3. Deported

“Court is now in session. Ājay, are you prepared for this? All cleaned up, after the assault? Not injured or hurting anywhere?”

“No, your honour. I’m all good now.” The judge nodded.

“Alright then. Let’s begin. Ājay Ghāle, you were involved in the robbery on the fifth, were you not?”

“Yes, your Honour.”

“Robbery is a very serious crime, you understand.”

“My mother was recently diagnosed with cancer. I needed the money. The robbery wasn’t my idea, and I was initially against it, but as Jason said, working sixty hours a week wasn’t enough for the treatments. And my mother’s life is more important than anything else to me.”

“A commendable, if misplaced sentiment. You said you were initially against it. What convinced you?”

“Jason promised there wouldn’t be any violence.”

“Yes...interesting, that the conditions of consent apply even in a robbery.”

“...A very important woman once said consent is not just for sex, your honour.” He was referring to his mother. The judge nodded.

“Yes. Now, as well-intended as your robbery might have been, the result was that somebody died. This state punishes murder very seriously, even if you were simply an accomplice. I was going to sentence you to life in prison, but new evidence has arisen since the start of this trial that changes things considerably. You were born in Kyrat, were you not?”

“Uh...that’s what mom always said. We never talked about it, though…”

“Well, your passport was just given to me, and that changes things. As an immigrant to the United States, you are not afforded the regular punishments for crimes. Considering the mitigating circumstances, I’m only revoking your American citizenship. You’ll be sent back to your home country of Kyrat, where you'll live out your life. Court is adjourned.” The gavel came down, and Ajay felt numb with shock. His home country? He’d never seen it. His country was the states! He’d never lived anywhere else! He’d never seen anywhere else! What would he do? His mother came forward to hug him, and Ajay was stiff as a board trying to fight back tears. He was being sent back to a country he didn’t know or care for, and he was never going to see his mother again. He wasn’t in jail, but at this point he’d rather be sentenced to life in prison.

“This is a good thing, Ajay,” she murmured to him, “Eventually, you will understand.”

***

Mere days later, Ajay was at the airport, saying one final goodbye to his mother, his country, his home.

“Wanna make any last-minute purchases?” One of the cops asked. It was the same ones that had arrested him so many days ago, having asked to escort him to the airport.

“Uh...a journal...and a pen…” Ajay replied, “I want to write down everything that happens in Kyrat. It’s new country, and...that’s worth remembering, I suppose.”

“When you step on that plane, you’re a free man, Ājay,” one of the cops said, “Ain’t nothing stopping you from writing your mom every day if you want.” Ajay nodded as he went into a nearby store and exited with ten thick journals and a package of pens. He didn’t know what kind of country Kyrat was, this could be his last chance to buy journals. He had to think long term.

“If you need me to buy you a journal, I can do that for you,” his mother said with humour.

“Hell, write me,” the cop (Joe of all things; what a perfect name for a cop) added, “I’ll send you another one anytime you want. You’re a good guy, Ājay. The least the States owes you is a new journal if you run out of paper.” Ajay nodded, but then he was crying. He turned from his mother but she turned him back, pulling him into her arms.

“I have always said men didn’t cry over little things, and I hold to that. This is not a little thing, you are perfectly justified in these tears.” Ajay cried in his mother’s arms and held her as tight as he could, knowing he would never see her again. At Joe’s gentle insistence, Ajay parted from his mother and stepped onto the plane, and, inexplicably, breathed a sigh of relief. Nobody in Kyrat would know about this. He would be a free man, and after weeks of jail cells and thinking about Jase...well, he could start a new life, with new friends. Ones that would lead him down the right path, one that would make his mother proud. He took a deep breath. Kyrat would be the start of a new life for him, he would make sure of it.


	4. New Culture

Kyrat International Airport. His mom had said Kyrat was a tiny country, he’d expected to be let off somewhere in India and take a bus the rest of the way. He was surprised Kyrat even had an airport. When he was shaken awake - none too gently, he might add - he was surrounded by armed guards.

“Huh…? I thought I was free when I got to Kyrat.”

“...You are. However, King Min has requested an audience with you.”

“...And...I have minimal choice in the matter, apparently.”

“He would greatly appreciate it if you could come.” Ajay sighed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“Lead the way then, I guess.” They led him to a helicopter and escorted him inside. He was flown to an extravagant palace, and a mere half an hour after he landed in Kyrat he was seated in front of an elaborately dressed man feeling very much like he was in high school, sitting in the principal’s office and getting ready to get in trouble...again.

“Ajay. Ajay, Ajay, Ajay...What am I going to do with you? I really thought your mother would have raised you better than this.” Ajay was on his feet in his heartbeat.

“My mother raised me just fine!”

“Sit down, Ajay, I didn’t bring you here to start a fight.” The man stared him down until he sat.

“Good. Now, Ajay, what exactly possessed you to rob a store?”

“Why do you care?” The man squinted at him.

“You...don’t know me, do you?” Ajay remained silent, and the man frowned.

“Alright, let’s start over. My name is Pagan Min. Did your mother ever talk about me?”

“...No.”

“...Alright, we’ll change all that. But first, you need a house and a job. I can give you both in one. I’ll have you hired as a soldier at one of our outposts.”

“...I’m...not a soldier.”

“Oh, it’s just basic training, you’ll never have to use it, not up here. The Golden Path hasn’t been up here in years. Room and board will be included, you’ll be paid handsomely, and, of course, you’ll be left to your own devices. I know you want that more than anything. And, you’ll have a lifetime supply of journals and pens. I noticed you brought a stack with you from the US. Sound like a good enough deal?”

“I still don’t know what I’ll be doing.” 

“Oh, you’ll learn. Now come on. You need to get started on training.”

***

February 28th, 2014. I’ve landed in Kyrat and already have myself a job, sort of. The royal guard here have been training me to be a soldier. Guns, martial arts, everything. Pagan says I won’t need to use my training, but that hasn't stopped my bosses from training me like I'm going to war next week. I feel like I’m drowning, but I've already made a couple friends. Feng’s another new recruit like me. He says he can’t wait to get out and start kicking Golden Path ass. I want nothing to do with these Golden Path people. I really have no idea how we became friends, but we’re friends, and I need a friend right now. I’m not about to question it. I’ve been made an officer cadet, or cadet. Go me, I guess.

***

Within a few weeks, Ajay was fully trained, and he and Feng were sent to an outpost near the palace.

“I can’t believe you slept the whole way here!” Feng groaned, “This is a grand new adventure for both of us, how could you sleep?!”

“Helicopters just do that to me,” he murmured, watching as the helicopter was set down near the top of the outpost.

“...Pretty elaborate,” Ajay commented, looking at the maze of hallways and towers and wondering if anyone was going to give him a map.

“These outposts are right near King Min’s palace, they have to be elaborate! If we lost these, the palace itself would be in danger, and we can’t let that happen!”

“So the plan is to have these Golden Path people get lost here?”

“No, the plan is for us to have plenty of places to hide so we can ambush them in case of an attack! Honestly, haven’t you studied up on ANYTHING?!”

“I didn’t exactly want to come here, you know.”

“Right, you mentioned that. What happened in America again?”

“Uh...nothing, I just...needed a change of pace, and got strong-armed into joining the army.”

“Oh right, you’re one of those guys. Not to worry, you’re not alone. King Min conscripts dozens of people every year, I’m sure there’ll be someone here who will help show you the ropes.”

“ATTENTION, CADETS!” Ajay and Feng sat up straighter immediately.

“ONCE THIS HELICOPTER COMES TO A STOP YOU WILL LINE UP IN FRONT OF THAT BUILDING IN FRONT OF YOU, GOT IT?”

“YES SIR!!” The roar of the helicopter blades was deafening, Ajay had to strain to hear the man even though he was clearly shouting. When the blades finally stopped turning, Ajay and Feng stepped out, lining up in front of the commander by the building.

“Cadets,” he said as way of greeting, “I am colonel Vihaan, and I’m here to get you orientated to your respective positions at this outpost. These,” he gestured behind him, “are the barracks. You will find rooms with your names on them inside, you may put your belongings in there. You have five minutes, return to me when you are finished.”

“Yes, sir!” Ajay and Feng went inside, and Feng turned to grin at him.

“The colonel is attractive, isn’t he?” He said with a smirk.

“Huh? I didn’t notice.”

“Didn’t notice? Didn’t notice? What do you mean, you didn’t notice? How could you not notice the man you’ll-nevermind.” Feng rolled his eyes as he stepped into his room, down the hall from Ajay’s. Ajay sighed and stepped into his own room, finding a small bed, a desk, and a dresser for his clothes. He put his journals on the desk and the pens in the drawer, put his clothes in the dresser, and briefly tried out the bed. It was surprisingly comfortable, and Ajay got up before he could accidentally fall asleep. He met Feng, and the colonel, outside.

“Now, both of you have received training and therefore are ready to begin your duties. Here are your guns. Your duty is to guard the outpost, watch for any signs of trouble, from wild animals to the Golden Path terrorists. Any suspicious activities should be called out immediately. Better to raise the alarm over nothing than to keep quiet during an ambush. Understood?”

“Yes, sir,” they responded in unison.

“Perfect. Cadet Feng, you are to guard the east wall. Relieve the soldier there. You yourself will be relieved when your shift is over. At that time you may do as you wish, so long as you report for your next duty shift, understood?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. Ajay Ghale, come with me.” Ajay gulped, following the colonel to an elaborate looking office.

“Please, sit. I’ve been briefed on your situation. You’re from America, and that means you won’t be familiar with the customs here among the army. I’m going to brief you before you start your duties, to ease the culture shock.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you…?”

“Uh, thank you, sir.”

“Good. Remember to address all superior officers as ‘sir’. Now, Ajay, the first thing you need to know...is that we Kyrati are much more comfortable with physical touch than Americans are.”

“O...kay? Like...pats on the back and stuff?”

“No, like kisses and sex. It’s not uncommon for officers to make love during off hours. There are very few women around, and so the officers here make use of eachother for their sexual pleasures. I’d advise you to do the same, jacking off here is considered...a sign of impotence.” 

“I’m...not sure I’m comfortable with that, sir.”

“Nor would I expect you to be, not yet. I’ve advised the senior officers to leave you be for the first few weeks, but you’re fair game after that. I’d try to get accustomed to walking into off-duty soldiers’ rooms and making love to them, because the superior officers will be doing it to you.”

“They’ll...rape me?”

“...If you’re not accustomed to the culture by then. Hopefully the concept of being made love to will be common enough for you that it will be at least somewhat consensual. We’re not monsters, Ajay. Unless you’re completely resistant, we’ll do everything in our power to make sure you get off.”

“I...don’t...understand.” The colonel sighed.

“I know. The culture is difficult to explain if you haven’t experienced it firsthand. You seem to have become well acquainted with Feng, ask him to demonstrate. This is a necessary part of being a part of the army, Ajay. Most cadets are aware of it when they sign up.”

“Right.”

“We'll get back to that point at the end, but the other thing you need to be aware of is that we do get prisoners of war, even up here.”

“Soldiers are captured?”

“Golden Path rebels, citizens who support the Golden Path or have been actively aiding them...We keep them held here until they can be transferred to Durgesh Prison.”

“Okay.”

“Ajay, this goes without saying, but you are authorized to use deadly force on the prisoners. If they resist you in any fashion, kill them or beat them as you see fit. And, Ajay...You’ll find that the definition of resistance is highly variable here. Don’t let it get to you. These terrorists threw away their lives when they decided to help the Golden Path.”

“...Okay.” The colonel nodded.

“Good. Glad we could talk.” The colonel stood, walking around the desk to stand next to Ajay. “You’ll be guarding the North wall, next to Feng. That will give you both time to talk about what I’ve said.”

“Good. Thank you, sir.”

“You’re welcome. Now, Ajay...kiss me.”

“...Sir?”

“I told you, kissing and sex are a daily and nightly occurrence here among men who need to release their sexual frustrations. I’ve ordered the men not to have sex with you for a few weeks so you can adjust, but the only way you’re going to adjust to this culture is to immerse yourself in it. Kiss me.” Ajay hesitated, for a long time. Slowly he licked his lips and leaned in close, pressing his lips lightly to the colonel’s own. 

The colonel’s lips were rough and firm, not at all soft like Jase’s lips had been. The colonel was content to give Ajay some breathing room for a few seconds, but then he grabbed Ajay by his hair, deepening the kiss and moaning. Ajay’s sound of protest was swallowed and he was lifted up to sit on the desk, the colonel in between his legs. Finally the colonel’s lips moved to Ajay’s throat, and he gasped in a breath.

“St-stop…”

“You’re going to have to enjoy this, Ajay. Better to start now. Imagine whatever you need to. I’m not letting you go until I hear a genuine moan...and don’t think I can’t tell the difference.” Ajay shuddered, struggling a little, but the colonel was much stronger than him, and he held Ajay in place with ease. To Ajay’s utter shock, his body started to respond despite himself, and he shook his head as he fought back the sensations.

“Don’t fight,” the colonel murmured, lips moving to the corner of Ajay’s own, “It’s so much better if you give in.” He kissed Ajay again then, and Ajay felt himself becoming dizzy. The colonel’s lips weren’t really all that bad...and it was clear the colonel was doing this to try and make him comfortable before he was tossed in the deep end. It really was considerate of him…

For the colonel's sake, Ajay tried to focus on the feel of his body moving against the colonel, the way their hips were tantalizingly close, and the intoxicating sound of their lips meeting over and over again. Soon his hips were twitching to grind against the colonel, and he pressed back with his lips, reaching up to pull the colonel close instead of trying to squirm away. Vihaan noticed the change right away, and as he’d said his lips gentled in response. He moved down to Ajay’s throat again and Ajay sucked in a breath, feeling his member truly start to stiffen now.

“Colonel…”

“Yes...moan for me, a little louder.” He sucked on a particular stop right on top of Ajay’s pulse point, and Ajay couldn’t stop the moan that escaped him then.

“Oh...mmm…” The colonel hummed, and then he was pulling away, much to Ajay’s disappointment.

“Typically at this point we would make love,” he murmured, and then he pulled back, perfectly composed in a heartbeat.

“But, we both have duties to attend to. You’re guarding the north wall, remember. This is the kind of thing you’ll be experiencing from now on, you’ll need to become accustomed to it...and returning to duty afterwards. Take a breath, compose yourself, jack off if you need to, and then relieve the officer on the north wall.” And then that was it. The colonel walked out the same way he had walked in; like he hadn't just ravished Ajay, made a hot mess out of him, and then left him completely unsatisfied when he was just starting to get in to it.


	5. First Kiss

March 13th, 2014

Just finished my first day as a cadet. Guarding the north wall. To be honest, I don’t remember any of it, not after the talk I had with the colonel. Guy named Vihaan. Apparently it’s customary for the senior officers to have sex with the juniors. It’s not optional, but according to the colonel, ‘it’s only rape if you don’t force yourself to get into it.’ He’s told the senior officers to lay off for a few weeks until I get used to the idea. 

...The colonel kissed me. Looking back, I see I had no choice in the matter, but after the initial shock and revulsion...I enjoyed it. Immensely. Now, though, I feel like a toy to be used and tossed aside. I guess that’s what the colonel meant when he said it’s so much better if I enjoy it. I have to force myself to want it, or my life will be rape, day in and day out. It will be either way, but I have the consolation of knowing I got my share out of the deal, if I pretend I want it. I have so much to think about, but I’m exhausted. I need to sleep.

P.S. I need to write mom to let her know I’ve landed in Kyrat. I have no living expenses, so my paychecks can all go to her cancer treatments. Thank god for that, at least.

***

“Oh man, what a night!” Feng gushed the next day, sidling up next to him.

“What do you mean?” Ajay asked, yawning.

“The colonel came into my room last night. We made love ALL. NIGHT. I had no idea the colonel was so energetic!”

“Uh...good for you.”

“Oh, right! I heard the colonel telling people to keep away from you. You’re still getting used to it, aren’t you?”

“Uh, yeah. The colonel kissed me after he called me into his office, though. Says I need to start learning how things go right away. A couple weeks from now I’ll be fair game, he says.”

“Sounds about right. That was very considerate of him, though. They don’t do things like this in America, so I’m glad you get the time to adjust. If you ever want to, come to my room at night. I’ll be gentle, promise.”

“...Thanks. I think.”

“I get it, you’re not ready yet. That’s why you have a few weeks off. Think about it, is all I’m saying. I’ll be there when you’re ready. I like you, Ajay, I don’t want your first time to be with someone rough.”

“Great.” Ajay looked away, and then sighed.

“Feng?”

“Hm?”

“After our duty shift...will you kiss me?” Feng smiled.

“...Sure.” Ajay turned towards him, smiling a little.

“I’m glad you’re my friend.”

“Me too, Ajay. You’re a great guy, if a little stuck up.” Ajay chuckled, patting Feng on the back as he resumed his watch.

***

“Stop that, you’re making me nervous.” Ajay had been giving Feng sideways glances for the last half hour of their duty shift. He couldn’t believe he’d asked Feng to kiss him. And it was the end of their duty shift now. Could he be blamed for having the jitters?

“Sorry, I’m a little nervous.”

“Clearly. Relax, okay? It’s just between friends, nobody has to know, and we’ll stop if you get uncomfortable.” Ajay nodded, letting out a breath.

“Thanks.”

“...Alright, Ajay. In here.” Ajay followed Feng inside, going to sit on the bed immediately. His case of the jitters had just tripled.

“Can we wait a second?” Feng smiled.

“Sure. Let’s talk for a bit. What do you want to talk about?”

“Um...what made you want to join the army?”

“I wanted to help my country. We’ve been fighting the Golden Path terrorists for over two decades, and I wanted to help put a stop to it, keep my country safe. My wife and I are pregnant, so I wanted to make sure the little guy grows up in a world that’s a little safer.”

“You have a WIFE?!” Feng laughed aloud.

“Don’t sound so mortified. She knows what I do around here. Everyone in Kyrat knows what happens with cadets when they join the army.”

“And she’s...okay with it?” Feng shrugged.

“She feels the same as me. She wants our child to grow up in a safer world more than she wants me to keep my virginity. Besides, do you see any women around here? Women tend to get more uptight about random people sleeping with them than men do. Have to keep yourself satisfied somehow, and if the higher ups want to make me feel good, I’m not about to say no, even if I could.” Ajay sighed, looking away.

“It’s weird...It all makes sense, I guess, but…”

“It’s not how you were raised.”

“Sex was always something special. Something you did with people you loved. One night stands and friends with benefits exist, of course, but mom refused to let me engage in either. She said it cheapened the act of sex.”

“Wasn’t she a Kyrati?”

“Yeah. That’s what makes all this weird.”

“She could have been trying to be more american for you.”

“That makes sense. Mom left Kyrat when I was a baby, and she refused to talk about Kyrat, or why she left, or my father…”

“Wait, you don’t know your father?”

“...Should I?”

“He’s FAMOUS!!! He’s an official disturber of the peace! Died years ago but it’s practically illegal to even speak his name! Your father, Mohan Ghale, started the whole Golden Path terrorist movement!”

“My father...wait. My father...is the head of the group we’re protecting the people from?”

“You got it. He was the head, though. He was murdered years ago. Nobody knows who did it, but his death is the reason the Golden Path is just an unorganized group of rebels instead of an actual force to be reckoned with. His death broke their spirits, and we took them out easy after that. Still, we can’t stop until the whole movement’s been squashed. ...That’s more the south's problem, though. The Golden Path are almost never seen up here in the north.” Ajay nodded, but then he was looking at Feng, and he was suddenly struck with the desire to kiss him. He was scared the urge would go away if he waited another second. He had to do it now.

“Feng…” He was already leaning forward, and he pressed his lips to Feng’s, closing his eyes and sighing. The gentle pressure of lips on his own was comforting, and he pulled Feng close, moaning quietly. Feng eagerly returned the kiss, keeping it gentle like Ajay wanted. Feng shifted them, laying Ajay down on the bed so they could be more comfortable.

“You kiss pretty good for somebody who’s been raised in a stuck-up country like America.”

“I fell in love with the wrong people a lot. So I have experience.” Feng chuckled.

“Good. Your experience will do you well here.” Ajay hummed, but he didn’t want to talk, he just wanted to focus on kissing. For once he felt relaxed, and he wasn’t going to let this go. Every moment that he was relaxed kissing someone who was practically a stranger was experience he would apply to...later. 

A few minutes later they pulled apart, Ajay slightly dazed still.

“Wow…” He breathed, and Feng smiled, pulling him close.

“It’s okay. You'll get used to it. Do you want to stay here or go back to your own room?”

“Uh...my room. I just want to sleep now.”

“Alright. Goodnight, Ajay.”

“Night, Feng.”


	6. Delivery

March 16th, 2014

Ajay, my son.

Thank you so much for the money, Ajay. With this, I will be able to pay for my treatments. I always knew you were the type of man to do the right thing, and I am glad your first few weeks in Kyrat have not changed that. Stay strong, Ajay. Fight for what is right. Do not let Kyrat change you, I am begging you. You do not need to tell me what Kyrat is like, I remember it well. If nothing else, I am glad that you have had the chance to see the country you were born in with your own eyes. 

With love,

Mom

***

Ajay worked hard in the army. Although, ‘hard’ meant that he guarded the wall vigilantly rather than slacking off. Feng called him stuck up. It was starting to become a regular occurrence. 

As for his...night time activities...Ajay and Feng kissed quite a bit, and Ajay had moved on to kissing some of the other officers too.

“My door’s always open, just walk on in,” they all said. They were all gentle, and very friendly. It wasn’t so bad, all in all.

He and Feng made love about a week and a half into his placement. It took the entire night, because Ajay was beyond nervous, and Feng spent more time comforting him than he did making love to him. To Feng’s credit, he did manage to soothe Ajay enough that he enjoyed it, somewhat. Even still, when Feng showed Ajay out with a smile and a peck on the lips, he went back to his own room and cried. 

***

Today was an especially busy day. They’d received their shipment of supplies in, everything from food to guns and anything in between (literally; Ajay was almost sure he saw a box of chalk come out of the truck), and they had to put it away. It was heavy work; even the bulkiest men were struggling, perhaps more so because they weren’t permitted out of their armour while on duty. The only people not helping were those who had their duty shift immediately after this one. They had to be fresh when they came on duty.

By the time every last item had been taken out of the truck, catalogued and put away, it was the end of Ajay’s duty shift, even though they’d started unloading near the beginning of it. The whole process had taken HOURS, and Ajay was dead on his feet. He went back to his room, curled up under the covers, and went straight to sleep, too exhausted for anything.

***

Ajay woke to a vague impression of hands on his skin, but he was too tired to do anything more than mumble out a question. Today had really taken a lot out of him.

“Relax, Ajay, it's just me.” Colonel…? 

“I’m coming to see how you’re doing. ...You did well today, you never slacked off, even at the end. You must be exhausted...it’s alright if you fall back to sleep.” Ajay closed his eyes again, planning to do just that, but he felt kisses being peppered across his cheeks and face.

“You’re beautiful, Ajay…” Ajay hummed a response, and he felt the Colonel’s lips move lower, to his throat. The weight of the Colonel’s body pressed more firmly against him, and the Colonel’s wandering hands drifted over his bare chest, and then down to his sides and inching lower still.

“I can't tell if you're asleep or not, your breathing is so even,” the Colonel whispered, “That’s a good thing. Keep it that way for a little longer.” Ajay heard sounds he couldn’t place with his foggy mind, but the Colonel’s body was less present against his own.

Maybe he’s leaving, Ajay thought for one irrational second. The Colonel’s hand slipped down under his boxers to grab at his rear, and then to gently tug his boxers down.

“You’re doing so well, Ajay,” the Colonel murmured, “keep it up.” Ajay shifted when he felt the Colonel move his legs so they were bent and spread apart, deciding he ought to try and see what the Colonel was doing. When the first finger slipped inside Ajay tensed, finally realizing what the Colonel wanted and starting to struggle.

“Shh, Ajay, Shh. Don’t do this to me. I want to make you feel good, Ajay, and I can’t do that if you fight me.” Now fully awake, Ajay was paralyzed. The Colonel was going to take advantage of him. He’d said it was going to happen, but...so soon? Now? He wasn’t ready!

“Colonel...Colonel, please…” Ajay could feel the exact moment the Colonel’s caressing hands became restraints. There was no getting out of this. He could fight, and scream, and nobody would come to his rescue...or he could submit. Submit, close his eyes and go far away, and beg the Colonel…

“Please...please be gentle...please…” The restraints became caresses again, gentle and soothing.

“Of course, Ajay...this is your first time, isn’t it?”

“I...well…”

“Yes…?”

“Earlier...I asked Feng to…”

“Not earlier today, I hope.”

“No, no, I…” The Colonel smiled.

“Do you remember our kiss? Remember our kiss, remember what you did to make it feel good…?” Ajay did. He remembered the kiss, and felt his member twitch almost immediately, but it wasn’t enough.

“Just breathe, Ajay...just breathe, if nothing else…” The second finger slipped in, and it hurt.

“Colonel…”

“Shh, stay with the fantasy, Ajay. Whatever you're imagining, stay with it.” He closed his eyes and forced himself back to a time when sex had been good. When someone here really and truly cared about his wellbeing.

“F...Feng…” Does it hurt, Ajay? Is there anything I can do to make it better? What can I do? Can I kiss you, hug you…? Feng had been so worried about him, ready to stop at every sign on discomfort...in truth, Ajay had been more aroused just trusting that he had that safety net in case he did need to stop. Another finger slipped in and Ajay forced himself to stay with the fantasy.

“Find...find that place...touch there…” He imagined Feng asking ‘What do you need? What can I do?’ Feng wasn’t the one he was making love to, but he answered the question like it had been asked anyway, and thankfully the Colonel hummed quietly and began searching for it.

“A-ah!”

“There you go...feeling better?”Ajay sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. He couldn’t spend the rest of his time here trying to cling to an incomplete fantasy. He’d have to learn to enjoy it for real.

“T...touch a little more...Then I’ll be ready.”

“Alright, Ajay...You’re doing so well for your first time…I want to make sure you enjoy it even more…” Ajay wasn’t sure he was going to enjoy it. He was barely even hard. The Colonel’s fingers worked miracles, though, and he found himself moaning despite himself. Finally the Colonel pulled his fingers out and lined himself up with Ajay’s entrance.

“You’re doing so well, Ajay...Hang on a little longer…” The Colonel kissed Ajay, kissed him deeply and intimately like they were lovers, and Ajay was distracted long enough that Vihaan pushed himself in slowly. Ajay wrapped his arms around the Colonel and deepened the kiss, fighting to keep him there as the Colonel went deeper, until he was fully sheathed.

“Kiss me,” Ajay gasped, “Just keep kissing me.” He needed to feel like somebody cared about him in this situation. Like it was something other than a very cleverly concealed rape. Kisses on the lips were too intimate to be fake. 

“You care, right?” Ajay asked, “You care?”

“Of course I do,” Vihaan murmured, “You’re so important to me, Ajay. I need you more than you know.” Ajay had already proven himself to be a remarkably skilled fighter, both with the gun and the blade. If things ever went south and the Golden Path showed up, Vihaan needed Ajay to be right there on the front lines. He couldn’t risk losing his loyalty over this. Honestly, it was a relief knowing that Ajay’s security could be won with a few deep kisses on the mouth. Ajay was still clinging to his American ideals, that mouth kisses meant something. Here in Kyrat, it was all the same. Kisses felt good, why should some special rule about couples versus one night stands keep them from doing something that felt good? Really, Americans and their silly ideals…

Ajay was relaxed now, believing that Vihaan truly cared about him. Vague promises, a few kisses, and Ajay was hooked like a fish. So much for the better. It was always best if both parties enjoyed it. Vihaan thrust forward smoothly, making Ajay moan. It all felt so good, Ajay couldn’t resist anymore. It felt like a dream, it felt like his body was reacting on its own. Ajay simply closed his eyes and let the dream take over.

“Colonel...Yes…”

“Yes, Ajay, you’re doing beautifully…Feng taught you well…” Ajay moaned at the mere mention of Feng, and the Colonel kissed him deeply again.

“I love you…” The colonel smiled.

“You’re asleep, Ajay, you don’t know what you’re saying. I’m almost finished, Ajay...I’m going to get you off no matter what, alright?”

“Please…” The Colonel thrust deeply, and a few moments later he spilled himself inside Ajay. He took a few breaths to recover himself, then stroked Ajay’s member until he too came, arching info the Colonel’s hand. And then, with little more than a peck on the lips, it was over. The Colonel got up and left, quietly closing Ajay’s door behind him. 

Ajay rolled over and went back to sleep.


	7. Promotion

“Ajay, you look like shit today.”

“Yeah...Didn’t get much sleep, I don’t think...The Colonel came into my room last night…” Feng perked up almost immediately.

“Oh? And how did it go?”

“Well...I’m not entirely sure it wasn’t a dream, so...all in all, pretty good, I guess.”

“Yeah? Good, I’m glad, Ajay. You’re finally one of us, officially.”

“Yeah...Listen...Can I…come over...tonight?”

“Hmm? I don't understand...Did last night...not go well?”

“It went fine, I just…” need someone who cares about me. “...Want it to feel...more concrete. I was half asleep, so it honestly might have all been a dream, so...I’d like for it to not be a dream tonight.”

“Sure, Ajay, whatever you need. If you need me, then I’m always here, I told you that.”

***

April 5th, 2014

The Colonel comes into my room a lot. Just recently, some of the other senior officers started coming into my room as well. They all tell me they love me. I don’t believe them, but working here in the army is stressful, so I enjoy the nights when they come. It helps me too. I enjoy Feng’s company more. He’s more gentle, and his constant worry is endearing. He’s stopped asking if I’m alright every half a second, but he stops the second I show any kind of hesitation, and that means a lot to me. ...More than any of the kisses the senior officers give me, to be honest.

***

“Feng...did you see that?”

“Hm? See what?”

“Over there. I thought I saw something move.”

“I didn’t see anything, but the Colonel says to report anything out of the ordinary. You should probably call out to-”

“There! I see movement! I’ve got movement over here!” And that was all it took. The Golden Path, realizing they’d been discovered, opened fire. Ajay ducked, keeping his eyes on the Golden Path as they tried to retreat. 

“Over there! Aim for those bushes!” Ajay refuses to let the Golden Path hide and take them out one by one. It was cowardly and weak. The royal army was all over them with Ajay’s keen eyes, and soon they had managed to capture four Golden Path members. The rest of their little battalion didn’t make it.

“Off to Durgesh with you,” the army sneered as they bound their helpless victims and led them to the holding cells. A few of the Golden Path laid eyes on him and began jabbering so excitedly they forgot to speak English and slipped into Hindi. Ajay winced as they were beaten for failing to keep their mouths shut. ‘Don’t let it bother you’, the Colonel had said, so he tried to steel himself and not show how sickened he was.

“Hey, relax,” Feng murmured as the Golden Path were taken away, “They just know your dad, is all.” 

“But do they know that I’m my dad’s son?”

“I hate to say it, but the Golden Path has eyes everywhere. They probably got ahold of your personnel file somehow, that would have your name and picture in it. Listen, it’s okay, Ajay. Your dad started the Golden Path, they were just upset that his son was fighting against them. Who knows, maybe we’ll let one of them run off to tell the Golden Path. It might just break their spirits more than they already are.”

“I'd...rather not be used as propaganda,” Ajay mumbled awkwardly, and Feng smiled.

“How did I know that a stuck-up guy like wouldn't want his face on royal army poster everywhere?” He asked sarcastically, a grin on his face. Ajay sighed.

“No clue.”

***

“Cadet Ajay Ghale, Cadet Feng, you are hereby promoted to the rank of Second Lieutenant for your bravery in the line of duty.” Colonel Vihaan attached another star pip to both of their shoulders, then saluted them both with a smile. They returned the salute, Feng beaming and Ajay politely smiling to cover his confusion. He didn’t really do anything to warrant a promotion...he hadn’t even fired a gun. 

“Take the day off guys...in your new barracks,” he added in a whisper, “They’re bigger.” He grinned, patting them both on the shoulder, then turned to let them back into the barracks as the other soldiers cheered.

“Haha, we’ll be famous for a while!” Feng laughed, “The senior officers will be all over us!” He gave Ajay a sidelong glance.

“And you know...I wouldn’t mind having you all over me, as well…”

“M...me? All over you? Isn’t it...normally the other way around?”

“What can I say, I’m feeling submissive today. Are you up for it?”

“I...sure, I can try. Give me some time to work up to it?” Feng laughed.

“When was the last time you didn’t need time to work up to it? ...Take your time. Let’s go move our things to our new bedrooms, and then we’ll meet in your room.”

“Mine? You’re really changing things up today, it’s weird.”

“I just got promoted, I’m excited. Besides, I figure you’d be more comfortable in your room with your stuff.” Ajay shrugged, looking away.

“...It’s...pretty sweet of you to think about me like that…” Feng shrugged.

“What can I say, you’re my friend. I care about my friends. Go move your stuff to your new room, and I’ll move mine. See you soon.” Ajay nodded and left, gathering his stuff and his journals and moving them to the new room. His old room no longer had his name on it, but his new one did, along with his new rank. 

The colonel was right about one thing; his new room was enormous. It was a queen sized bed instead of a twin, his desk was much larger and so was his dresser. He left his journals out on his desk. His new room came with a lock. Apparently he was entitled to some measure of privacy now. He wasn’t stupid, though, it was just to keep out nosy cadets. All of his superior officers would have a key. The higher up the ranks he went, the fewer people would have a key to his room, but this was certainly an improvement. He heard a knock.

“Ajay? Can I come in?”

“Uh, sure, but...Can I test something first?” He locked his door. “Does your key fit in my lock?”

“Uh...I don’t see why it would…” The key jiggled. “...Nope. Doesn’t fit. Planning on locking me out?” 

“No, come on in, just testing something.” Ajay unlocked his door and let Feng in, who whistled appreciatively.

“Look at this. Bigger suits you, Ajay.”

“Honestly, I’m still not sure why I got promoted.”

“Honestly? It’s the ‘most-cadets-die-in-their-first-fight’ award. Congrats for staying alive, basically. Not to mention you kept your eyes on the Golden Path so they didn’t escape. A lot of people will have their eyes on you now. The higher ups especially have high hopes for your career. They foresee a bright future for you, Ajay.”

“Great. Eyes on me. Pagan promised I’d be left alone.”

“You...wow. Well, if King Pagan promised, then I’m wrong. There will be no eyes on you whatsoever. But hey, enough talk of that. I think I know you well enough to know what relaxes you, and it’s not this.” Ajay sighed, relaxing already. Feng had that effect on him. His consideration was a safety net Ajay clung to with everything he had.

“You’re right. We should kiss to relax.” Feng laughed, sitting on Ajay’s bed and laying back. Ajay smiled, climbing slowly on top of Feng.

“You’re in control now, so I don’t have to say this, but...take your time. Relax. Breathe. Do this in your own time.” Ajay sighed.

“You’re okay if we go slow?”

“Unless you do it on purpose.” Ajay laughed, leaning down to kiss Feng.

“Never.”


	8. In Trouble

Ajay couldn’t sleep, which was unusual after he and Feng made love. He knew why though: screams. Screaming and pleading, and the uncomfortable sound of fists on skin. Nothing...worse, though. He figured the Colonel was right in saying the men here preferred it when it was consensual. After all, why rape a captured woman when you could sneak into a soldier’s room and make love? Beating them wasn’t that much better, though. He got up, putting his uniform on and heading out of his room. What was he going to do? Say? There’s no way the soldiers here were just beating the prisoners. The Colonel had said prisoners were beaten for disobedience, and he’d seen that. Nobody here beat people for fun, though. They were nice people. Ajay walked into the holding area and his eyes widened.

“Guys, what’s going on?”

“Second lieutenant Ghale! The...the prisoners were out of line.”

“All of them?”

“Er…”

“They tend to be quieter when you stop hitting them.” He probably shouldn't look like he was worried about them. “...Which would be nice, considering it’s three in the morning and I have a duty shift tomorrow.”

“S-sorry, sir...We’ll let you get back to sleep…”

“Thank you. Please keep it down at night in future. Nighttime is typically when people sleep.”

“Yes, sir…”

Ajay was shaking when he got back to his room. The beatings had stopped, but the fact that they had happened in the first place made him physically sick. Taking about two seconds to decide he couldn’t be alone, he slipped into Feng’s room.

“Feng?”

“A-Ajay…? You want to go again? Heh, liked being on top that much, did you?”

“No, I mean yes, I just...I can’t sleep. Can I stay with you?”

“Sure...Why are you in uniform?”

“Huh? Oh...I had to...um…” Ajay sighed as he started taking off his uniform. “Some guys were beating the prisoners...I went to tell them to stop. You know, I...I can’t believe I’m saying this, but...I pretended it was because I couldn’t sleep, because somehow I thought it wouldn't go over well if I just told them to stop because it was wrong. They were beating the prisoners, Feng. For fun. That's...it’s gross. It makes me sick.” 

“Well,” Feng sighed, “I’ll never say no to having you next to me. Come on, fold up your uniform and climb in beside me.” Ajay slipped in beside Feng, sighing and pulling him close. Staying with Feng had been the right call. Feng immediately pulled him close to him and held him tight.

“Shit, you’re...really shaking, aren’t you?” He sighed.

“Ajay, I hate to be the one to tell you, but...you are going to be in so much shit tomorrow.”

***

“You...wanted to see me, Colonel?” There was no way he was in shit for telling people to not beat the prisoners. No way.

“Ajay, yes, come in.” The Colonel stepped forward, kissing him sweetly on the lips.

“Come sit next to me on the couch.”

“Uh...sure…” Ajay sat.

“You look nervous, Ajay.”

“Yeah...Feng said I was gonna be in shit today. And...well, you’ve called me into your office.” The colonel laughed, wrapping an arm around Ajay’s shoulder and kissing his temple.

“I’m not going to lie, Ajay, you’re in a little bit of shit, but it’s nothing I don’t think we can’t sort out with a little chat. It’s nowhere near a formal reprimand, so don’t worry.” Ajay gulped, and the Colonel sighed.

“Hey...look, walk me through this, alright? What did you do after you were promoted?”

“Uh, Feng and I went too move our stuff to our new rooms, and then…”

“And then?”

“We...went to his room and...made love.” 

“Ah, a celebration of your promotions, hmm? Good, you deserve it. What next?”

“We...well, it…” The Colonel was smiling at him. Ajay was sure he was thinking about how adorable Ajay was to be flustered talking about sex. He decided to power through it. “The...it was...very energetic, so we went straight to bed.”

“Ah, I see. Of course. How long did you sleep for?”

“I...dunno, I didn’t check the clock when I woke up. Sorry.”

“That’s alright, Ajay. What woke you up?”

“I heard...screaming. Screaming, and um...well, I could hear...I could hear them hitting the ground.”

“Who?”

“The prisoners, I think.”

“So the prisoners being beaten woke you up. What made you go check it out?”

“Well...You said prisoners were beaten for being out of line, and that the guys here kind of made up their own minds as to what being out of line meant.”

“Yes, I did.”

“But...well...I mean, if I’m going to hit someone for being out of line or whatever, I hit them, presumably they stop doing whatever they were doing, and that’s the end of it. This...went on for a while. Too long for it to just be for some guys getting funny ideas or whatever. It…”

“...Go on, Ajay. You can speak your mind here.”

“It...sounded like they were really hurting the prisoners, and that’s...inhumane, so I told them to stop. And then...Well, then I was worried they might...I dunno, think less of me or whatever if they realized I was worried about the prisoners, so I...said it was because I couldn’t sleep, which was partially true.”

“Indeed, the beatings did wake you up. Alright, so after this, did you go back to your room?”

“For a bit. No more than a minute, to be honest. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep after what I’d seen, so I went to Feng’s room and asked to sleep with him. Sleep beside him, in this case, not make love.”

“I figured. He said yes?”

“Of course he did, Feng and I are friends. So Feng let me fold my uniform and put it in his drawer, and I slept in just my underwear for the rest of the night. Before we went to sleep he told me I'd be in shit for stopping the beatings and...well, I guess he was right. Colonel, it’s wrong to beat people for fun. I mean, yeah, punish people for nothing if that’s what you’re into, but pulling the prisoners aside in the middle of the night to beat them? Can’t we at least try to pretend we’re decent people? ...Sorry, I...didn’t mean to...lose my temper…”

“That’s alright, Ajay. I understand where you’re coming from, I do. Trust me, you don’t make it to the rank of Colonel without witnessing a few beatings, and I know it turns your stomach a little bit.”

“I haven’t felt right since last night.”

“...A lot, then. Alright, there are a few bits of good news here. The first is that unlike the sex, you will not be required to participate, and your participation or lack thereof will have no effect whatsoever on your attempt to rise through the ranks. Feng tells me you were quite impressed with the lock on your door, I figured that might be especially effective as incentive for you to start climbing the proverbial ladder. Second, and perhaps less a piece of good news than of consolation, is that you get used to it.”

“...Uh…”

“I know it’s not what you want to hear. I let the men decide what going out of line looked like so that they could vent themselves, but...well, a few seconds doesn’t always do it. Better to do it at night where nobody will hear. For the future, though, I will tell them to keep it down.”

“But, Colonel…”

“I know, Ajay, I know. This is just how things go here. You must have similar violations in America.”

“...Well...yeah, but...well...we at least pretend to be role models.”

“Of course. Let me ask you this, Ajay: If it happens either way...does it matter whether we pretend it isn’t happening?” Ajay stuttered, struggling to find an answer.

“But...but...well, we have to make it stop…”

“We can’t, Ajay. I’m sorry. As I said, the only thing you can do is not participate.”

“Can’t I tell them to stop?”

“...I’m afraid not. That's why we’re here, Ajay.” 

“...I suppose I should have seen this coming,” he finally said quietly, and the Colonel smiled.

“I know it’s difficult, Ajay. Trust me, it will get better.” Ajay sighed, starting only when he felt a pair of lips gently press against his temple. When Ajay moved to look those lips found his and Ajay sighed into he kiss.

“You’ll be overseeing the cadets today, with Feng,” the Colonel said when they parted, “You’ll have time to talk to him.”

“I’m always next to Feng,” Ajay said quietly, and the Colonel chuckled.

“That’s because Feng is a good influence. He’s helping you adjust to life here, you’ve become close friends...If I had my way you’d never leave his side.” Ajay smiled, then sighed.

“So...about last night...I’m not in trouble?”

“No. But, Ajay...don’t let it happen again. Everything that happens makes its way back to me, and no matter who you are or how difficult it may be for you...we can’t have you making waves.” Ajay gulped and nodded, his legs feeling unsteady as he went to stand.

“Am I...dismissed?”

“Of course. Have a good duty shift, and rest well.”


	9. New plans

“Whoa, you’re NOT in shit? Wow, the Colonel is REALLY lenient with you.”

“Sometimes I wish he’d be more of an asshole. I...I just...I dunno if I really want to stay, if that’s...if that’s what we’re like, and it’s so bad we don’t even bother to pretend otherwise.”

“Ajay...don’t say that, I like having you here. You’re a breath of fresh air, like...like a virgin among prostitutes.”

“Uh…thanks, I think. It makes it harder to fit in, though.”

“I know. Listen, I’ll be here, alright? I won’t beat the prisoners anymore, if that will make you feel better.”

“...Anymore?”

“I was just doing it to fit in, but if the Colonel says it doesn’t have any effect on promotions, then I won’t. I want to be a Colonel, just like...well, just like the Colonel, and if I don’t have to beat people to get there, so much the better.” Ajay sighed.

“The things people do to fit in here...how many of them, do you think are just doing it to fit in? Maybe if I spread the word, I can stop most of it.”

“I don’t see why the Colonel would have a problem with that. Go on, shout to the world that skipping out on beating doesn’t affect anything.” Feng smiled.

“Be sure to keep it down around the Golden Path, though. I hate to say it, but they behave better if they think we’ll beat them for blinking at the wrong time.” Ajay shook his head.

“...No guarantees.”

***

April 17th, 2014

The Colonel came into my room last night. He comes into my room a lot, but last night he told me that I was doing really well and that he hadn’t heard any complaints since our talk last week. Great. So I’m not complaining about the beatings, go me. I yell about it to Feng, though. A lot. I’ll be honest, I yell a little louder than I need to, so they can all hear that I’m upset, but they can’t do anything. I can’t get in trouble for an opinion. I only yell during the day, so nobody can get me in trouble for keeping them awake.

...I hate to say it, but since my talk with the Colonel...I haven’t heard anymore beatings. It’s like they’ve stopped altogether. I know they haven’t.

***

“Congratulations, Ajay, your plan is working.”

“What plan, sir?” The Colonel smirked.

“Your plan to stop the beatings through guilt and peer pressure. I suppose you were right, a lot of them were doing it because they thought they had to in order to get ahead. After the ones who didn’t really want to hurt anyone left, a few more left because it wasn’t ‘cool’ anymore. I don't think anyone else will stop, though. The only ones still beating prisoners are the ones who really want to. But...well, I have to give you credit for your work. And I couldn’t do a thing about it. You know, Ajay...you’re a damn good strategist when you want to be. If I could promote you for that plan, I would. Mark my words, though, you keep up the good work around the outpost...you’ll be a Lieutenant in no time. You know what that means?”

“...A different room with a different lock that fewer people have the key to?” The Colonel shook his head in bemusement.

“American through and through, aren’t you?”

***

“Colonel? Uh...permission to speak freely?”

“We’re in bed, we literally just made love…’permission granted’ is pretty much assumed here.”

“Right. Uh, it’s just...you seem a little...tense.” The Colonel sighed.

“Damn. I’m sorry, Ajay, a Colonel is not supposed to let his worries transmit to his junior officers.”

“Anything I can help with?”

“Probably not. The Golden Path has started attacking the outposts in the south, and...we’ll we’re not doing so well. We keep losing outposts, and men.” Ajay thought.

“You know, if the outposts are like the ones here...you could have everyone hide, and then when the Golden Path goes in to check out why there’s nobody there, you take them by surprise. They’d be sitting ducks.” The Colonel stared.

“...Come with me, Ajay.” He got up and pulled Ajay along with him out the door.

“B-but Colonel, my uniform...YOUR uniform!”

“No time, Ajay, we got word that another one of our outposts would be attacked.” He got to his office and unlocked the door.

“This is Colonel Vihaan to Kyra Tea Station, respond!”

“Tea Station here, sir!”

“Is the outpost under attack?”

“Not yet, but they're coming, we know it!”

“Alright. Tell all of your men to hide, and hide well. Use the bushes, the buildings, under desks, whatever you can think of! Wait until the Golden Path is inside the outpost, and then strike! DO NOT let yourselves be discovered until it’s too late, understand?”

“That’s absolutely nuts...but we haven’t got another strategy. We’ll do it, sir. If you don’t hear from us by morning, assume the outpost is lost.”

“Understood. Good luck.” The Colonel cut communication, then sat down in his chair and bowed his head.

“Ajay...will you bring me my uniform?”

“I-of course, sir…” Ajay turned and darted back to his room, hastily putting on his own uniform and bringing the Colonel his.

“Thank you...You don’t need your uniform, Ajay.” The Colonel took a deep breath, then stood up and kissed Ajay deeply.

“Go back to sleep, Ajay. I’m alright here, and you've done admirably as is. You don’t need to stay awake for this.”

“You...think it won’t work…” Ajay was paling at the thought of all those men, the one he’d heard on the radio...They could all be dead in a matter of hours.

“Nonsense. I think you’ve given them a shot, Ajay, and it’s a hell of a lot better than they had otherwise. Now go on. Let me worry about the outpost, you go enjoy some time with Feng.” 

“...Are you trying to do your job as a Colonel and not worry me?” The Colonel laughed, kissing Ajay.

“How am I doing? Better? Colonels have in fact been demoted for their inability to keep their emotions in check, you know. I rather love it up at the top.” Ajay smiled, resting his forehead against the Colonel’s.

“You’re doing a great job...but I can’t help but be worried.”

“You’ve given them a shot, Ajay, and not one of those men is going to forget it. I’M not going to forget it. Come what may, you’ve put your brilliant mind to work, and I’m going to make sure King Pagan himself hears about it. Besides, it would help to know that you’re making love with Feng a few rooms down...As a matter of fact, I might relieve a little of my tension privately...if you don’t mind being loud enough that I can hear.” Ajay sighed, finally convinced.

“Fine, fine...Give us a few minutes to get in the mood, okay?”

“You got it. Now go. Have extra fun for me, alright?”


	10. Who or Who?

“Feng?”

“Ajay...what is it?”

“Uh…I need to...if you don’t mind, that is...but I’d really like to…” Feng smiled.

“I’m all yours, Ajay. I’m always yours, anytime you want.” Ajay needed this, to dispel his own worry. He moaned and cursed louder than he normally would, gently suggested to Feng that he not bother trying to keep his voice down, either. He smiled when he thought he heard the Colonel’s voice joining in with their chorus a few minutes later.

***

It was mere seconds after the Colonel had finished that the report came in.

“Kyra Tea Factory to Colonel Vihaan! It worked, sir, it worked! We didn’t lose anybody! The outpost is safe, and the Golden Path have been eliminated! Your idea was brilliant, it worked like a charm!” The Colonel sighed. 

“Good job, but I can’t take the credit for the idea. It was a second lieutenant of mine, a bit of a rising star here…”

***

“Second Lieutenant Ajay Ghale, you are hereby promoted to the rank for Lieutenant, for your ability to coordinate strategies to help the royal army thwart the Golden Path. With your help, we can crush the Golden Path once and for all. Thank you.” Another star on his uniform, and Ajay smiled.

“So they survived, then?” He asked in a whisper, and the Colonel beamed.

“Every. Last. One of them. Good job, Ajay.”

***

“What? A transfer? For BOTH OF US?!?! ...I get to go down south? I get to get in the thick of things, I get to kick Golden Path ass?!”

“Yes, Feng, you get to kick Golden Path ass.”

“WOOHOO!!” The Colonel laughed.

“This is about what happened two nights ago, isn’t it?” Ajay asked.

“Of course it is. With you down south, we can make bigger strides toward crushing the Golden Path. As a matter of fact, after I told him that you were the one that saved the outpost, Colonel Manchu requested you personally.”

“Colonel Manchu...the guy on the radio?”

“The very same. He wants to thank you personally for saving his life, Ajay, although to be honest...I’ll be sad to see you go.”

“So…” Feng cut in, “Why am I going if this is just about Ajay?”

“You two are inseparable, and Ajay’s told me many times that you’re the one that keeps him sane here. Ajay’s had a tough time adapting to the culture here. He’s STILL having a tough time, to be honest. If we moved him to a new outpost with nobody to support him he could very easily be dishonourably discharged within the month, and we can’t afford to lose Ajay over a cultural difference. You keep him grounded, Feng, and while it may be more of a backseat role than ‘kicking Golden Path ass’, it’s a vital one nonetheless. That said, though, you may still earn your stripes through Golden Path ass-kicking, so don’t worry too much.” 

“Yes, sir. I understand, and I will do my duties to the best of my abilities.”

“Good. I’ll miss you, too, Feng. Your cheerfulness brightened my day, and I know it brightened a lot of other peoples’ days, too.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Now go on. Your chopper leaves in twenty minutes, and I would hate for you to miss it. Pack your things, and Colonel Manchu will meet you both when you land.”

“Yes, sir.” Feng was babbling the second they were out the door.

“This is incredible, Ajay! INCREDIBLE! We get to REALLY get into the action!” He gasped. “Maybe we’ll get to see...HIM! Or HER!!!”

“Uh...you lost me. Who or who?”

“You don’t know?!? UGH! Go pack your things, I’ll tell you on the chopper.”

***

“So! Sabal and Amita are the two people currently running the Golden Path, and another reason they’re a disorganized bunch of rebels instead of an actual force to be reckoned with. Amita is from the North, and Sabal is from the South, and they literally cannot agree on ANYTHING! One says “let’s attack here” and the other says “no, let’s attack there” and in the end they never end up attacking anywhere. It’s kind of funny, actually. I don’t even think they can decide on what to have for breakfast in the morning!” Feng was laughing as Ajay processed this.

“So...you want to meet the leaders of the Golden Path?”

“Well, of course! What better way to go down in history than to be the one to kill one of them?”

“I guess. I’d really rather not have to fight though.”

“More of a strategist? I might have guessed that you hid a brain behind that quiet demeanour.”

“ATTENTION CADETS!! WHEN THIS HELICOPTER STOPS, LINE UP!”

“YES SIR!!” Feng grinned as they got out of the plane.

“Lieutenant Ghale, Second Lieutenant Feng, welcome to Kyra Tea Station. Your barracks have already been prepared, and I’m giving you both a day to become acquainted with the new outpost. Go get settled, Second Lieutenant Feng. Lieutenant Ghale, come with me.” Ajay was almost expecting it. He followed the Colonel back into his office and was met with a deep, passionate kiss.

“You saved my life, Ajay. You save ALL of my mens' lives. I owe you everything. I...I want you, right now. I know it’s sudden, I know Colonel Vihaan told me to give you time to adjust, but...I owe everything I care about to you. I want you to have the most intense orgasm you’ve ever had.” Ajay smiled, a little sadly. Colonel Manchu did a lot of talking about what he wanted for him, but very little actually asking him what he wanted. 

“I understand. I’m just glad I was able to help.” 

Ajay didn’t have time to speak after that.


	11. Victory and Loss

Ajay was glad for the day off. Colonel Manchu was a...vigorous...lover. Ajay went back to his room - the same size as his old one - and settled down to sleep.

***

“Ajay?”

“Mmm...Feng, go away...I’m sleeping…”

“But Ajay, you need to explore so you can get acquainted with the outpost!”

“Ugh…Can’t you draw me a map?”

“You can’t have your head in a map all day, now come on!” Ajay groaned and got out of bed, letting Feng drag him along and give him a tour of the outpost.

***

April 23rd, 2014

I got transferred to an outpost down south today. Kyra Tea Station. It’s the same as the old outpost, just...worse. Colonel Manchu is...not as kind, as Colonel Vihaan. He’s grateful to me for saving his men, though, and that I understand. He's just excited. I’m sure it’ll get better.

I can hear the beatings at night. I've spoken to Colonel Manchu about it, and he said there was nothing he could do. I'll learn to sleep through it, he says. Feng seems pretty happy here. I guess I’ll just have to get used to it.

***

“Hey! I see movement over here!!” It was the same as before, with Golden Path soldiers scrambling as soon as their cover was blown. The difference, though, was that there were more of them. A lot more. They stormed the outpost, and unlike last time, there was an actual fight. Ajay pulled out his gun, ducking behind cover and firing whenever there was a break in gunfire. His stomach lurched when he fired and saw a Golden Path soldier drop like a stone. Gritting his teeth, he forced down the bile threatening to claw its way up his throat and kept firing. By the time the Golden Path had retreated, Ajay had killed three people and many of the Golden Path who had lived and run away had seen him. He knew they had, their eyes widened and they started shouting in Hindi the second they laid eyes on him. Somehow, he was worried.

When the adrenaline from the fight and the sick feeling of knowing he’d killed people had died down, another worry blossomed in his chest.

“Feng? Feng?! FENG!!”

“I’M HERE!” Feng emerged from behind cover, dirty but unharmed.

“You okay, Ajay?”

“Yeah, you?”

“Fine. Thank God you're okay.”

“Yeah, same to you.” Ajay looked around, and the sick feeling returned.

“...We need to...clean up the bodies…” Unlike last time, not all of them were Golden Path.

***

April 27th, 2014

The Golden Path attacked today. We lost four men. I knew their names. The Golden Path lost more, but that doesn’t change the fact that four men, good men, are dead. I wish I could be more upset, but I can’t. I killed people today. Three people whose names I will never know. I don’t think they deserved to die anymore than the four we lost did. ...I wish the Golden Path would just surrender. I don’t want to have to keep killing like this. 

...Feng said he’s not as excited to kick Golden Path ass after today. I’m sure he imagined that the only people dying would be Golden Path. I’m glad he’s realized how horrible killing is. The problem is, I’m not sure anybody else will have the same epiphany. I heard horrible things shouted...on both sides.

***

The next few weeks were normal. Working with the Colonel, Ajay planned a method of attack that helped save a few of the other outposts, and he led a battalion to take back a recently taken outpost. He was promoted after that, for strategic success. He became a captain, and was put in charge of a lot more such outpost takebacks. He killed a lot. He lost count. And then he got used to it.

He bounced from outpost to outpost, protecting them, taking them back. He stayed in some long enough to help normal operations resume before returning to the Tea Station. Pagan himself sent him a letter congratulating him on his success. 

“My dear boy,” it read, “I hear you’ve been rising through the ranks in the army! I was expecting to have to babysit a delinquent cadet, but you are Ishwari’s son, after all. I should have expected more, and yet I can also say I expected no less. You have assured your place here in Kyrat, that’s for sure. I hope I’ve been doing a good enough job of leaving you alone, and don’t hesitate to ask should you need anything. I know everything there is to know, and I have connections everywhere there is to have a connection to. Anything you need, you need only ask. Yours truly, Pagan Min”

***

May 29th, 2014

Ajay, my darling son,

I have sad news. The cancer in my breast has spread throughout my body. Doctors did not catch it in time, and now they tell me I have a matter of months left to live. Further treatment would be a waste of time, and so I have decided to stop treatments and move to a hospice to live out my days. I know you will wish to see me again, but do not bother. I would not have you see me as I am now, rather I would have you cherish who I was. The next time you see me, I will no longer be alive. Do not worry, I have taken care of all arrangements with the money you have been sending me. You need only put me to rest in Kyrat. I will send more instructions when I pass. Until then, I am very much alive, and will not have you mourning me prematurely. I am still alive, Ajay, and therefore you are not to shed a single tear for a death that has not happened yet.

With love, 

Mom

***

Ajay cried. He cried even though his mother told him not to. He took time off, and Feng came in after his duty shift to ask where he had been. When he learned what happened, Feng made love to him sweetly, kissing him and murmuring words of consolation, and Ajay cried halfway through that, too. He cried later on that night when the Colonel made love to him, and then every subsequent time the senior soldiers offered their consolations in the same manner. Feng stayed with him every free moment he had, holding him and making love to him, and all in all Ajay was a wreck.

***

A few months later, his mother’s ashes came to him in a little jar, as well as a note.

Ajay, my son,

If you are reading this, then I have passed from this life. I know you will be upset. I wish I could tell you how happy I am now, in the afterlife, so you would not be. I have one last request to make of you. Please, take my ashes to Lakshmana. Pagan Min will show you where to go. The journey will tell you so much more than I ever could.

I love you and will always be with you,

Mom


	12. Grieving

“Ajay, my boy! I can’t tell you how delighted I was to hear that you wanted to speak to me. What is it, my boy?” Ajay was shaking. “Stop that, men don’t cry,” his mother’s voice echoed through his mind, but that didn’t stop the tears.

“Mom...um...just a few weeks ago, she...p-passed…” Pagan fell silent. He took a deep breath. He could mourn Ishwari later. For right now, Ajay was clearly grief-stricken, and that took priority. Ishwari wouldn’t want him collapsing into a puddle when Ajay had already puddled and needed support.

“Oh, Ajay...I’m so sorry, Ajay, I’m so sorry...What can I do?”

“She...she wanted to...be brought b-back to...Lak-Lakshmana…She said you would know…” Pagan sighed.

“Lakshmana...I haven’t heard that name in years…But I don’t think you’re ready.” Ajay looked up.

“But mom said-”

“I know, and we will lay her to rest with Lakshmana. But, Ajay, you need time to grieve your mother before I tell you about Lakshmana. Don't worry about the time you’ll need to take. I’m sure Ishwari will understand. Besides, she has all the time in the world to be with Lakshmana, what’s another week or so?” He smiled, sitting next to him.

“Ajay, you need to grieve. I want to be a part of that process, but I know that you don’t remember me. I want to know what you need. Is there anyone I can call, anyone who can help?” He wanted to offer Ajay all the comfort food in the world, but he was trying to restrict himself to healthy coping methods. He wouldn’t let Ajay follow the ‘drugs and Yak’s blood’ method to grieving he had taken.

“...No...No, I’m okay...Although...There’s this guy, at the outpost...Feng...it was nice having him around…” Pagan nodded.

“Consider it done.”

“Consider it done” took about half a day. By evening, Feng himself was in front of Pagan, wide-eyed and staring at Pagan with awe...not that Ajay knew that. Yet. Pagan wanted to make sure this ‘Feng’ was suitable for Ajay.

“My king...What can I do for you?”

“Your name is Feng, correct?”

“Yes, sir…”

“Ajay’s come to be very close with you.”

“Yes, sir...He mentions you too, from time to time…”

“Don’t flatter me, I know Ajay doesn’t know me. I know him, though. I’d give him the world, but all he wants is to be left to his own devices...But I digress. You know Ajay lost his mother recently?”

“He’s been...inconsolable. I’ve tried to help the best I could, but...he’s taken a leave of absence with an undecided end date. I’m worried he may not come back, and I can’t help but feel like I failed…” Pagan smiled. Feng passed the test with flying colours.

“Oh, he’ll be back. He needs to mourn his mother and then lay her to rest. ...He needs you to help him grieve.” Feng perked up.

“He’s here? Of course, anything I can do to help…” Pagan beamed, pulling Feng into a hug. Feng looked dazed.

“Glad to hear it. This way, please.” He led Feng down a series of hallways, and knocked on a door.

“Come in?” Ajay answered. Pagan opened the door, which led to an extravagant bedroom, and Ajay turned, beaming when he saw Feng.

“Hey, Ajay…” Feng stepped forward and they hugged, Ajay nodding briefly to Pagan before closing his eyes and melting into Feng’s arms. Smiling, Pagan closed the door and let them have their time alone.

***

“I was worried about you, Ajay…”

“I know, I’m sorry...I...It’s been tough…” Ajay buried his face in Feng’s chest, sniffling.

“Mom always raised me thinking men don’t cry...dunno how I turned into such a crybaby…” Feng smiled.

“It’s a recent development, Ajay, don’t worry. You’ll sort yourself out soon enough.” Ajay nodded, but then he pulled Feng down to lay on the bed, holding him close. Feng kissed Ajay’s throat gently, and Ajay shook his head.

“No, Feng, not right now...please?” Feng nodded, settling and just resting beside Ajay.

“...Of course. Let’s just sleep.” Ajay sighed.

“I don’t want to sleep, I want to cuddle…” 

“But you’re exhausted,” Feng replied with a smile, “You need to sleep. We can cuddle later.” Ajay groaned, but there was no denying his closing eyes. Feng shushed him and stayed quiet until he fell asleep.


	13. Condolences

“Feng certainly looked much happier to see you.”

“Yeah, he’s a good guy.”

“I thought so...Listen, Ajay...Come. Sit. Do you want anything to drink? Eat?”

“...Are you going to tell me about Lakshmana now?”

“...Yes. Sit.” Ajay sat.

“Lakshmana was...my daughter. Our daughter. Your mother and I fell in love, and had a child.”

“So then...I’m your son.”

“No, no, you’re definitely Mohan’s, unfortunately. You see, Mohan sent your mother to spy on me to get intel for the Golden Path, but, well...he was a dick and I wasn’t. So we fell in love and had Lakshmana.” Ajay noticed the way Pagan paused, the way his gaze dropped ever so slightly.

“...What happened to Lakshmana?”

“Mohan killed her.” Ajay’s mouth opened and shut, but no sound came out.

“He found out about our child, and he came to “correct her mistake”, his words, certainly not mine. He killed Lakshmana, and then Ishwari killed him and fled to the US. I knew you, as a young child, while Ishwari was “spying” on me, which is why I’ve been so involved in your life here in Kyrat. So...that should answer your questions. You see now why I wanted you to grieve your mother before I told you about Lakshmana.” Ajay’s jaw clenched and unclenched, and while his body moved Pagan wasn’t actually sure he was breathing.

“...I…” He finally managed, “...f...feel...sick…” When Ajay sank out of his chair and put a hand over his mouth, Pagan quickly reached for a nearby bucket to put in front of Ajay. “Bucket” in this case was a vase worth tens of thousands of dollars...but that could be replaced more readily than the multimillion dollar carpet.

“It’s alright, Ajay,” Pagan cooed as Ajay began to retch, “It’s alright, let it out, just let it out, you’ll feel better after…” A minute later Ajay was heaving and trembling on the floor, and Pagan rubbed his back soothingly.

“There...are you alright now?” Ajay nodded, and Pagan pressed a sort of call button he had in his pocket. At once a servant came in, waiting for his orders.

“Clean that up,” Pagan said, “And get Ajay a cold compress and some water to rinse out his mouth with. And make sure Ajay’s room is ready, he’ll be going to bed after this, I’m sure.”

“I...I can...lay mom to rest...tomorrow?”

“Of course, Ajay. Your health is my first priority, but after you recover we can put Ishwari to rest together.” Ajay nodded, rinsing his mouth out at Pagan’s gentle insistence and going to lay in his bedroom for the rest of the day.

The next morning, Pagan came to check on Ajay with a quiet knock on his door.

“Good morning, Ajay. How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Ajay murmured, getting up, “Um...it’s just...a lot...you know.” 

“I certainly do,” Pagan agreed, sitting down on the bed next to Ajay, “...Shall we lay your mother to rest this morning?”

“Yeah, that would be great.”

Pagan led Ajay to a small shrine out back, where Lakshmana Min had been laid to rest. Ajay hesitated before coming in.

“...Wow.”

“Relax, Ajay. Take your time. I can leave you for a few minutes, if you’d like.”

“You don’t...want to come in?”

“Oh no, that’s alright. This is your time. I can come here on my own later.” Ajay nodded, and Pagan turned and left quietly.

***

About two hours later was when Ajay finally re-entered the palace. He said nothing about the way his eyes were red and puffy and his fingers were twitching as though he missed having his mother in his hands as he walked past Pagan.

“Is Feng still here?”

“Down the hall, fourth door on the left.”

“Great.” Ajay knocked on the door, but walked right in a second later. He wasn’t stupid; Feng was here to provide comfort. He needed comfort. 

“Ajay, you’re back.”

“Yeah...NOW we can make love.” He was kissing Feng before he could reply.

“T-top or bottom?” He gasped out a second later, and Ajay paused. He’d been planning on topping, but…

“...Let’s have you take control,” he eventually said with a smile, and Feng gladly rolled on top of him.

“Flexibility is good,” he commented lightly, and Ajay smiled.

“Good. Please just kiss me.”

***

September 6th, 2014

I’m finally back at the outpost. I feel better, about things. It’s still hard to think about for too long, so having the work helps. I’m on modified duty to help me get back into the swing of things, and to make more time for my senior officers to come see me. They’ve all been very supportive. They offer their condolences during the day so I can sleep at night. It’s really very considerate of them…and it really helps. They say sleep helps the brain cope, and I can see that now. I’ll be back on full duty soon...I can’t wait. I need to get my mind off...things.


	14. The Outpost

It was Ajay’s first day back on active duty. He’d thought he’d prepared for everything that he might have difficulty with on his first day back, but he hadn’t. It was HOT. He was sweating constantly, and he was suffocating in his uniform. He had a hard time holding his gun because his hands were so slippery with sweat. If there was one upside, it was that Feng kept checking up on him.

“Alright, Ajay?” “You’re looking even more unwell than five minutes ago...are you SURE you’re alright?” “Here, have some of my water.” He was grateful for the concern, but he didn’t want to bother Feng. Feng had been incredible when he was coping with his mother’s passing, he didn’t want to trouble him further, so he lied and said he was fine. 

“Have you...seen my journal by any chance?” Ajay asked, struggling to make conversation, “I went to write in it yesterday and it was gone…”

“That’s what you get for bringing your journal outside,” Feng replied, too distracted by Ajay's condition to be much into conversation.

A few hours later - or maybe it was only a few minutes later, Ajay’s sense of time was skewed - he was feeling sick. Really sick. He thought he was going to throw up. On top of that, he was weak and shaky, he had a massive headache, and his vision was blurring considerably. He decided to kneel down to try and rest for a bit, but without being fully aware of his actions he laid down on his side, closed his eyes, and slipped away before he realized what was happening.

“Ajay? Ajay! AJAY!! AJAY GHALE IS DOWN, I NEED HELP OVER HERE!” The words ‘Ajay Ghale is down’ was enough to bring half the soldiers in the outpost running over to Feng’s side, crowding around Ajay to take his temperature and check his pulse.

“Shit, it’s heat stroke. Take him back to his room so he can cool off.”

“I’d like to stay with him, sir,” Feng said hurriedly.

“We all would, Feng, but we’re one soldier down and we need you to watch these walls vigilantly. The Golden Path can attack at any time, and we need every man we can get. Carry him to his room and then come back.”

Feng sighed as he hoisted Ajay onto his back and trudged back towards the barracks. Ajay was dead weight, completely unconscious, and while Feng wasn’t unaccustomed to hauling dead bodies around he found they felt particularly heavy when they were his friends...especially if that friend was Ajay, who had been with him since he was a cadet. He carried Ajay to his room and laid him down in bed. There was no air circulation, but it was much cooler here than outside. He wet a cloth with cold water and placed it on Ajay’s forehead, then sighed, patting Ajay on the shoulder as he got up to return to his post.

On the other side of the outpost, an errant royal army soldier wandered off unnoticed to investigate a sound. He never came back.

***

“How’s Ajay?”

“In his bed, resting.”

“Good. Resume your post, and keep a sharp lookout for any Golden Path.”

“Yes sir.”

A few minutes later the soldiers started to notice that some of their guys were disappearing. Colonel Manchu gave the order for the remaining soldiers to be on their guard.

“Where is everyone? Start looking for them!”

“I’ve got a body over here!” There was panic and confusion among the soldiers, and the Golden Path took advantage of that confusion to start firing from all directions. There simply weren’t enough soldiers left to provide cover in all directions, and in a matter of minutes it was all over. The only colour left standing was blue, and the Golden Path cheered for another taken outpost. The leader of this group of Golden Path had chosen to attack this outpost for a very specific reason, though.

“Any sign of him?”

“None, he wasn’t among the soldiers.”

“Maybe he got transferred again? Took a holiday?” One of the Golden Path women suggested.

“No, he has to be here,” Sabal replied, “We got word that Ajay returned a week ago, he couldn’t have been granted another leave of absence so soon. Spread out, find him. He’s a member of the royal army, remember, he may be planning a one-man counterattack.” They spread out, searching, sifting through the various artifacts as a matter of interest, and it wasn’t long before one of the Golden Path stumbled upon a little book. He flipped it open, skimmed it, then took out his radio.

“Hey, Sabal? If we find Ajay, we should try to reason with him. His journal says he doesn't agree with what goes on here any more than we do.”

“That's good news,” Sabal responded, “Keep trying to find him.” They kept up the search, but it didn’t need to continue for very long. If a room with Ajay’s name on it didn’t point to where Ajay was, then Sabal didn’t know what did. He pushed open the door and sure enough, there was Ajay, lying on the bed. He had a cloth over his forehead, and Sabal gently laid a hand on it. Still cold.

“Heat stroke,” Sabal murmured, “That’s why we didn’t find him outside with the other soldiers. Let’s get him back to Banapur.” One of the Golden Path picked up Ajay, slinging him over his shoulder like a bag of potatoes. The other pocketed the journal they’d found, most of the blank ones, and a few of the pens. They were clearly very important to him, as they were the only personal effects - if they could be called that - he had.

As they took Ajay outside, cold compress on the back of his neck now, the jostling movement caused Ajay to stir. Still incredibly weak as he was, all he could do was groan and open his eyes for a matter of a few seconds at a time. He was being taken, but he couldn't do anything about it save to struggle weakly for a few seconds and expend what precious little energy he had. As the Golden Path soldier stepped over the bodies of the royal army, Ajay saw a face, eyes closed and mouth hanging open, that he could recognize anywhere.

“...Feng…”

His eyes closed.

***

“Fang? What the hell is Fang?” The Golden Path soldier asked his partner, who shrugged.

“Beats me. The royal army probably changes their code words every week so we can’t interpret them. Could be anything.”


	15. Kidnapped

Sabal sat by Ajay’s bedside the entire time, dabbing at his cheeks and neck with the cold compress he’d had back at the outpost. His breathing was much too fast, and his heart rate was too high. Sabal took off his shirt so he could cool him down, covering him with a light sheet to compensate for the lack of clothing. Better to get Ajay out of that royal army uniform sooner rather than later anyways, it was an insult to Mohan and everything he had fought for, not that Sabal blamed Ajay. Pagan had probably spun a web of bullshit for Ajay to believe, if he bothered to tell him about his father at all. He might still be ignorant, even after months in Kyrat. Still, the fact that Ajay had been taken wearing a royal army uniform couldn't be ignored, and Sabal tied his hands and feet to the corners of the bed, just in case. 

“Sabal…” Another Golden Path soldier walked in, holding the journal he’d picked up at the outpost, “You...you need to read this…”

“What is it?” The Golden Path soldier shook his head mutely, dropped the book in Sabal's lap, and left in a hurry. Sabal picked it up. It was Ajay’s journal, of course, a recount of everything from his first day in Kyrat, to his assignment at an outpost up north, to-

“Apparently it’s customary for the senior officers to have sex with the juniors. It’s not optional, but according to the colonel, ‘it’s only rape if you don’t force yourself to get into it.’ He’s told the senior officers to lay off for a few weeks until I get used to the idea.”

“...The colonel kissed me. Looking back, I see I had no choice in the matter, but after the initial shock and revulsion...I enjoyed it. Immensely. Now, though, I feel like a toy to be used and tossed aside. I guess that’s what the colonel meant when he said it’s so much better if I enjoy it. I have to force myself to want it, or my life will be rape, day in and day out.”

“The Colonel comes into my room a lot. Just recently, some of the other senior officers started coming into my room as well. They all tell me they love me. I don’t believe them, but working here in the army is stressful, so I enjoy the nights when they come. It helps me too. I enjoy Feng’s company more. He’s more gentle, and his constant worry is endearing.”

“I got transferred to an outpost down south today. Kyra Tea Station. It’s the same as the old outpost, just...worse. Colonel Manchu is...not as kind, as Colonel Vihaan. He’s grateful to me for saving his men, though, and that I understand. He's just excited. I’m sure it’ll get better.”

Sabal dropped the journal, standing up and pacing as he tried to come to terms with this. They had...used Ajay. Made him  
think it was normal, that it was just a cultural difference…! The further Sabal read, the more sickened he got. Ajay’s revulsion and self-loathing were apparent at the beginning, but as time wore on, the more trauma he faced...he got used to it. Even enjoyed it. He had no other choice. Sabal could follow the development of Stockholm Syndrome, of Ajay’s brain protecting itself, through his journal entries, and it made him sick. Mohan’s son had been suffering this whole time…

Sabal punched a wall in his fury. Dammit! They should have acted sooner! If they’d taken him the day he arrived like he wanted to, this never would have happened, but no! Amita had to fucking ARGUE with him, like she always did, and now look what had become of it! Mohan’s son had suffered a torture worse than any Sabal could have imagined, and he didn’t even know it! He thought it was just how the Kyrati people did things. Sabal shook his head, sitting back down, shoulders slumped. He would fix this. He would show Ajay how the Kyrati people REALLY did things. He had to, for Mohan’s sake. Mohan wouldn’t want his son living with this trauma and not knowing how wrong it was, and how Mohan would never have wanted that for his only son. Ajay had to see the Kyrat Mohan had been trying to protect, not the bastardized version the army had shown him.

“U-Uhhn…” Sabal looked up sharply, leaning forward.

“Ajay?”

“Huh…?” Closed eyes fluttered open, and Ajay shifted slowly, finally locking eyes with him. He jerked away, realizing his hands and feet were tied and starting to struggle.

“L-let me go!”

“Soon, Ajay, soon. Do you know who I am?”

“You’re Golden Path!”

“Yes. We have the same goal, Ajay.”

“Bullshit!”

“You hate the beatings too, don’t you? The way the royal army tortures innocent civilians?” Ajay froze.

“You kill innocent civilians too. You think murder is okay if they’re wearing uniforms? What the hell are you going to do with me, anyways? You tied me up to what, talk? You don’t get to be all high and mighty, you torture people too.”

“I’m not arguing with you, Ajay. I tied you up as a precaution. Do you deny that you’d try to kill me if given the chance?”

“Yes!” Ajay snapped, sitting up and struggling against his bonds, “I’m not a murderer!”

“Please settle down, Ajay, you could make yourself ill. You collapsed from heat stroke, do you remember?” Ajay fell silent, staring at the man warily.

“...How long ago was that?”

“This morning sometime. We found you in your bed when we attacked the outpost. That was about noon, and it’s shortly after seven now. You’ve been unconscious the whole time. We found your diary, we took you because we thought we might be able to sway you to our side. We want the royal army to stop hurting the civilians. Surely you agree, Ajay, I know you’re a good man.”

“Took me...and killed everyone else, right?” The man said nothing, and Ajay laid back down.

“Bastard. Get out.” He closed his eyes, fighting back tears. He remembered being carried over Feng’s dead body, the Golden Path soldier stepping over him like he was nothing, and his face scrunched up with his sobs. He went to cover his face with his hand only to be stopped by the rope, and he struggled, letting out a frustrated groan. 

Sabal grimaced. Ajay had had friends there, and he was grieving their deaths. Deciding to take the first step, he reached forward and untied Ajay’s hands and feet before he left.


	16. Sabal

Ajay cried for a long time. Feng was his EVERYTHING. Feng was gentle when everyone else was rough, Feng helped ease him into everything when he was feeling overwhelmed and afraid. Feng had helped him through thick and thin, the good times and the bad, right up to his mother’s passing. Now he was kidnapped and Feng was dead. Who did he have?

Pagan, his mind supplied, he had Pagan. If he could get to a radio, or a car, he could drive away and find Pagan. Just as he was trying to decide if he could hear guards outside his door, that very same door opened and the man from before came in holding a tray of food far above the level of the typical prisoner food the royal army gave. It looked like real food...at least, for people who were running short on resources as the Golden Path no doubt was.

“Here. I...figured you hadn’t eaten in quite some time. Assuming you had breakfast at around eight and collapsed before lunchtime, you’ve gone without for more than twelve hours. You must be hungry...even if you don’t quite realize it.” Ajay considered just overpowering the man and running for it. He could be back at a royal army outpost by morning, but...that would be an awful long time to go without food. Hesitantly, Ajay reached forward and took the plate of food.

“...Thank you.”

“You’re most welcome, son of Mohan.” He said it to see what kind of reaction he would get. To assess what Ajay knew of Mohan without directly asking him.

“Don’t call me that. Mohan started a terrorist movement and plunged the whole fucking country into war.” Sabal wasn’t upset. He knew Ajay had been fed bullshit about Mohan, and here was his confirmation.

“And why did Mohan start the Golden Path?” Ajay paused, considering. At least he could be reasoned with. Finally he shrugged.

“Because he wasn’t happy with how Pagan was doing things.”

“I see. And what, do you think, was Mohan unhappy about?” Another pause, longer than the first. So long that Sabal began to wonder if he had forgotten the question. Finally Ajay sighed.

“Why don’t you just tell me?” He said wearily.

“Very well. Pagan Min killed the only surviving heir and seized the throne for himself. Once he was king, he destroyed all aspects of our culture, forbade any religious practice...and mandated that soldiers in the army should be kept in line with rape instead of the traditional disciplinary measures.”

“That all bullshit,” Ajay snapped, “Nobody raped anybody, and Pagan’s been king for years. Besides, there are plenty of religious people in Kyrat. Colonel Vihaan himself worshipped Kyra. I doubt they would have made him a Colonel if he was practicing religion illegally.” Ajay sat back, moodily starting to eat his food, and Sabal big back a sigh. How could Ajay say ‘nobody raped anybody’ when he himself had been a victim?

“...You did take me instead of killing me outright,” Ajay said, relenting somewhat, “And while your reasons for doing so may have been fucked up...I do still owe you my life. Thank you.”

“Of course, Ajay. Whether you believe in your father’s work or not...you are still Mohan’s son, and that means something to the Golden Path. We couldn’t kill you, not without at least trying to convince you to join us.”

“I’m not joining you.”

“But you haven’t gone back to the royal army yet.”

“Because you came in before I could leave.”

“Because some part of you knows I’m right.”

“About what?”

“The royal army isn’t the shining beacon of light Pagan would like you to believe it is.” Ajay frowned.

“...You beat your prisoners too.”

“For information. We’re desperate, we need to know where the royal army will strike so we can save our people and prevent more deaths. The royal army beats their prisoners for fun, and don’t tell me you missed that in your time with them.” Ajay fell silent and stayed that way, and Sabal knew he had him.

“...I made them stop,” he finally murmured.

“I beg your pardon?”

“The beatings. I couldn't stop all of them, but...but I complained about the beatings to F-Feng, and I let everyone know it didn’t affect your chances of promotion if you didn’t take part. A few people stopped beating prisoners, and then more stopped when beating the prisoners wasn’t ‘cool’ anymore. The only ones left were the ones who really enjoyed it. That was up north, though. Colonel Manchu...made me stop complaining. I think he was one of the ones that really enjoyed it.” Sabal sighed.

“You wanted things to change.”

“Yes.”

“You were in the army, you changed things from the inside out. We...do not have the luxury of peer pressure, but we want things to change, just as you do.” Ajay nodded.

“...The royal army won’t take me back now,” he said finally, “The sole survivor of the attack on Kyra Tea Station, coming back unharmed? They’d smell the betrayal a mile away.”

“...Stay here, for a week. Observe our way of life. We’ll show you that we’re not like the royal army, that we’re better, that we truly just want Pagan and his corruption gone. If you decide to leave after that…” Sabal smiled thinly, “Come talk to me. We can rough you up and dump you in a river where you’ll be found. They’ll come to the obvious conclusion that we tortured you for information, and that when you stopped responding we thought you were dead and dumped your body. Your survival will be a miracle, and all you need to do is tell them you didn’t say anything. You'll be welcomed back with open arms.” 

“...Awfully considerate of you.”

“If I can’t sway you I’ll have to kill you, and I’d rather not do that. Better to set you free.”

“That won't cause trouble with your soldiers?”

“My soldiers, no. Amita’s going to want my head but I’ll tell her you escaped. She won’t believe me, but with no evidence to the contrary…”

“Why are you doing all this for me?”

“You’re Mohan’s son. That name carries a lot of weight with the Golden Path, and especially with me. I idolized Mohan growing up. He was a brilliant leader, a strategist without compare...under his guidance we very nearly shook Pagan’s hold on the throne.”

“...Feng told me he died. Nobody knows who did it, and his death broke the Golden Path.” Sabal sighed.

“...Yes. You’ve been fed a lot of bullshit about your father, but that, at least...is all true. What else did...Feng...tell you about your father?”

“That he started the Golden Path, and that it was practically illegal to speak his name because he was labelled an official disturber of the peace.” Sabal smiled.

“Right again. Feng sounds like he knew the truth about Mohan.” Ajay sighed.

“Pity you went and killed him, then,” he grumbled, his body language closing up and showing he wasn’t happy with where this conversation had gone. Feng’s death was still too recent.

“He was your friend?”

“Yeah.”

“...Tell me about him.”

“Feng?” Ajay looked shocked. “...Why do you care?”

“Because you do. I wasn’t lying when I said Mohan’s name held considerable weight here. I’m well aware of the fact that Mohan would be rolling in his grave if I let his son grieve alone. When someone dies, it’s typical to honour their memory by telling stories about them. So...tell me about Feng...if you’re up to it. I understand I may be asking too soon.” Ajay nodded.

“Feng was...He was another cadet like me. He was from Hong King, and spoke Cantonese.” Sabal restrained a shudder. One of Min’s foreign soldiers. "When we met, he was all...gung ho for adventure and kicking Golden Path ass and that. I always thought it was funny that somehow the guy that wanted to get out there and start killing and the guy that never wanted to have to hold a gun became friends, but we did. Back when I first came here...I wasn’t about to be picky. I just needed somebody. Feng was the one who helped me get used to the culture at the outposts…are you cold?” Sabal had bristled violently at the word culture. From reading Ajay’s journals he knew that “get used to the culture” meant “get used to being raped every night”. It sickened him, but he held his tongue, forcing a smile.

“Just a bit. Sorry, go on.”

“Here, I’m not using my blanket right now...Anyways, Feng really helped me adjust, and he was always great to have at night. He just...cared so much about me, you know?” I’ll bet he did, Sabal thought sullenly, “...He had a wife, too.” He stopped. “Do you think they notified her? Of his passing?” Sabal sighed.

“I’m sure they would have. That, at least, has not changed.” Ajay nodded, satisfied, and resumed his story.

“She was pregnant. He said he wanted to join so that Kyrat would be a safe place for his child to grow up in. I remember, when I first came to Kyrat, that I was so shocked that he could gush about making love to the colonel and then gush about how much he loved his wife in the same breath. He thought it was hilarious. He used to say “My wife is the same as me, she wants a life for our child more than she wants me to keep my virginity.” Ajay sighed.

“Feng was...everything to me. The first time the Golden Path attacked the outpost down south, he was the one I was worried about most. He...he helped me cope with my mother’s death, too, when I found out she was dying…” Ajay choked, bowing his head.

“She died just a month ago, and now Feng is gone...It’s too much…” Sabal sighed as Ajay started to sob quietly. So that was it. Ajay was coping with Feng and his mother’s death, all in one.

“...I know this doesn’t help, but...Feng knew the risks, as did you. He would have died quickly...and from what you tell me, he wouldn’t want you to waste your time being upset. Not when there’s Golden Path asses to kick.” Ajay chuckled thickly.

“Yeah. He was less into the Golden Path ass kicking after the first attack, though. We lost three men that day. I always knew Feng was just dreaming of adventure, but...well, even after that, he never lost his exuberance. He just...loved every minute of every day. Except when it was cold and rainy. I’ve picked up a few Cantonese swear words from cold wet days at the outpost.” Sabal chuckled along with him.

“Care to teach me?” He asked, and Ajay grinned.

“Well, there’s ‘diu’ which means ‘fuck’, which I heard a lot. Like...a lot. I also heard a lot of ‘dil lai lo mo’ which means ‘fuck your mother’. Feng used to get really creative, he’d say things like ‘kauw hai’ which means ‘dog cunt’...Man, hearing him swear was always the best part of my day. It was so funny. And sometimes he’d switch back and forth, like he couldn't decide which language to curse in.” Ajay chuckled, thinking back to those rainy days, and the whole outpost laughing as Feng shouted ‘DIU LEI GOH HAI, RAIN!” (Fuck you in the cunt, rain!, Feng later confessed) for the tenth time that day. His reminiscing was cut off by a yawn, which Sabal took as his cue to stand, taking Ajay’s now empty plate.

“I should go, you’re clearly exhausted. If you need me for anything, I’m right next door. Feel free to walk around Banapur if you need to stretch your legs. This can be your home too...if you let it. Goodnight, Ajay. Thank you for the blanket.”

“...Goodnight.” Ajay took the blanket and wrapped up in it. He didn’t know what to think. He’d been with the Golden Path, the so-called ‘terrorists’ a whole day, and they hadn’t beaten him or demanded information, and they'd even fed him...and tended to him, come to think of it. Was this all really because he was Mohan’s son? The man had said he thought Ajay could be swayed. Did that mean...if somebody ever surrendered...they wouldn’t be killed? The royal army shot deserters, though...Ajay sighed. There really was no winning. Perhaps that was what the man had been trying to tell him. Speaking of...he hadn’t bothered to ask the man’s name. He could feel his mother rolling over in her grave for his rudeness. Deciding to rectify the situation, Ajay got up, knocking on the next door. The same man opened the door, looking surprised to see him.

“Ajay. Do you need something?”

“Yeah, uh...I realized I forgot to ask your name.” The man smiled.

“Sabal. My name is Sabal.”


	17. Impotence

Ajay stayed with the Golden Path, and while he seemed surprised and impressed with the way they lived, Sabal always got the impression Ajay had something holding him back. Whatever this reservation was, it was big. Ajay would catch himself smiling and turn away in a hurry. 

“You have something on your mind,” Sabal said, once, “Something that’s keeping you from trusting the Golden Path completely. What is it?”

“...Lakshmana.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Lakshmana.”

“And...what is Lakshmana?”

“...Exactly.” 

Ajay turned and walked away, and that was that. 

After that, Sabal kept his distance and let Ajay work things out for himself. He didn’t need Sabal to sell it, the Golden Path’s merits could be seen to anyone who bothered to look, and despite his reservations regarding this ‘Lakshmana’, Ajay was most certainly looking. As the days wore on, though, Ajay seemed to grow more distant. He was friendly enough when spoken to directly, but he seemed...distracted. The longer Sabal kept his distance, the worse it got, so Sabal decided to try the direct approach.

“Ajay?”

“Yeah.”

“...Our original arrangement was that you would stay for a week and decide if the Golden Path lifestyle appealed to you. Have you given it some thought?”

“Yeah. ...I guess I’m staying...if that’s okay.” Sabal couldn’t lie; he sighed a little in relief.

“That’s more than okay, brother. Stay here as long as you’d like, you’re welcome to whatever resources we have.”

“...Thanks…”

“...Something on your mind?”

“Not really...I just...can’t fight with the Golden Path, the royal army will know I’ve deserted them.”

“We’ll worry about that later, brother. For now...I’m just happy to have you with us.” Ajay’s only response was a deep, heavy sigh.

***

Sabal had been having...unusual dreams, as of late. All of them were centred around Ajay, and all of them were, well...erotic. Which would be fine, if they didn’t also include considerably more religious symbolism than Sabal was comfortable seeing in a wet dream. He would much prefer it if they just fucked, in a bed or somewhere else around the home, like a normal fantasy. Sabal could handle that. Ajay coming on to him in Shangri-La, or in front of Kyra statues, or underneath masks of Yalung? That was too much. He believed dreams were messages from Kyra that, properly interpreted, could guide him on the right path. Sabal was normally fairly good at interpreting his own dreams, having studied the subject of dream interpretation briefly, but these were confusing to him, and the content made him loathe to ask a priest. But they happened NIGHTLY…! Sabal groaned in frustration as he got up to shower again after one such dream. He woke up either hard or having orgasmed in his dream, and in a cold sweat. It was a confusing combination, one which unfortunately required a shower. He sighed, resolving to suck it up and ask a priest the next morning.

***

“Hmm...these dreams are most confusing, indeed…Well, worry not, Sabal, I doubt Kyra has been giving you blasphemous dreams for the sake of blasphemy. You are, after all, one of her most devout believers, she would not send you down the path of sin.”

“Do you believe that...making love with Ajay...would...be a sin?”

“No. Unless you decided to make love under a Kyra statue, which is why these dreams are most disturbing. I believe there is a very important message in these dreams, and Kyra has seen fit to use such disturbing content so that you will see more clearly her wants.”

“But I see nothing!”

“Do you desire Ajay sexually?”

“...Well...There is no denying he is very attractive, and I have always preferred men, but...I cannot make love to Ajay. I would never.”

“Interesting choice of words, ‘I would never’. Would you care to explain them? What is it that would be so blasphemous about making love to Ajay?”

“It’s...difficult, for me to explain…” The priest waited patiently for him to continue.

“Ajay...In his time at with the royal army...well, he was abused, father. They took advantage of his American heritage and told him it was a cultural difference, that they did it for company and that it made the bonds between soldiers stronger. He...he was raped, repeatedly, but he was manipulated so that he truly does not believe he has suffered any harm. I...given Ajay’s trauma...I feel he is not of sound mind, and so any attempt to make love to him would…”

“...Make you no better than his abusers, since he would be unable to tell the difference.” The priest nodded. “Thank you for sharing this with me. I think I may be able to interpret your dreams.”

“You can? It’s all a mystery to me…”

“Indeed, that is why you are here, is it not? Well, it’s all fairly simple. Kyra wishes for you to help Ajay realize that he has suffered, so that he may start healing. Once Ajay has healed, or has begun healing...then you and Ajay will be able to make love in a way that would not be a disgrace in Kyra’s eyes. You have feelings for Ajay, Sabal, and Kyra would not see a devout follower such as yourself denied a chance at love because of Ajay’s suffering. You will be able to fulfill this fantasies, Sabal, but it will take time, and patience, both of which I know you possess an exceptional amount of. Have faith, Sabal. Kyra has not abandoned you, but Ajay is her priority for now. You must help her see that he heals.” Sabal nodded.

“Of course, father. I will do everything in my power.”

***

“Sabal…” Another dream. They were in Shangri-La again, Ajay standing in front of a Kyra statue, and Sabal behind him. They were both facing the Kyra statue, and the statue seemed to be looking at them in a way that was almost unnerving.

“Sabal.” Yes, Ajay’s abuse. Kyra was watching them, waiting for Sabal to help him. To help him realize his trauma, in order to move past it.

“Sabal.” Ajay turned towards him, mouth set in a concerned frown. Sabal wanted to make him smile. Help him heal. Ajay reached for him, laying a hand on his shoulder. Skin on skin, and Sabal looked down, surprised, to see that he was nude, save for his underwear. He looked up, and Ajay was similarly dressed. Ajay stared at him as though waiting for him to do something. But what?

“Sabal, wake up.” Sabal gasped, eyes snapping open as he woke fully from his dream, but Ajay didn't vanish. He awoke to Ajay, right in front of him. They were both on their sides, and Sabal realized that Ajay had climbed into bed with him.

“A-Ajay? What...what are you doing here?”

“You never bothered to stop in and check and see how I was doing...I was worried.”

“Ajay? I check up on you all the time, what are you talking about?”

“You’re distant. You...Do you...not trust me?”

“Of course I trust you, Ajay. What makes you think I don’t? And...why are we having this conversation in bed? Why are you in my bed?”

“You haven’t been checking up on me, so I came to check up on you.”

“I don’t understand.” Ajay sighed, reaching out to lightly stroke his cheek. Sabal flinched back from the touch.

“No...you don’t understand. Am I...so undesirable?” Ajay leaned forward, kissing Sabal deeply on the lips. Sabal’s mind went blank with shock, and Ajay rolled them over so Sabal was on his back, deepening the kiss. The implications of this...were too enormous to comprehend. Ajay had been freed from the royal army, he wasn’t being hurt anymore. And yet...and yet…

Ajay ground his hips down, and Sabal hated the gasp that slipped from his mouth. The sound shocked him back to reality, and struggled.

“Ajay...Ajay, stop…”

“Why?” Why, indeed? Why would Ajay stop, when nobody had stopped for him?

“Please, Ajay! I can’t! I can’t do it!” Ajay stopped, pulling back slowly, and Sabal was shocked to see that Ajay’s eyes were starting to pool with tears. He’d deeply wounded him. By refusing him, he’d hurt Ajay. Sabal wanted to puke. He’d been hurt far more deeply than Sabal had ever guessed. His self-image, his everything, was tied to sex. Being raped meant he was being cared for. Being denied...meant he was worthless. Sabal wanted to throw up, and he shuddered, forcing down the urge to gag. Ajay...Ajay needed to think he was loved, but he couldn’t have sex with Ajay. Not like this. He took a deep breath, forcing himself to reach out and touch Ajay’s shoulder.

“Ajay...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, it’s just...it’s been so long for me, I didn’t realize what you wanted.”

“Been...so long? But...you understand now, so-”

“I can’t, Ajay. I can’t. I…” He had to come up with something convincing...Ah. He let his emotions show on his face, doubling over and putting a hand to his mouth.

“It...it’s hard for me to think about, Ajay...I’m sorry…”

“Sabal? I don’t understand…”

“There...there was an accident, some time back…” Sabal took a deep, shuddering breath.

“I’m sorry, I should have told you things were different around here...The Golden Path here know, and they keep their activities secret out of respect…”

“Sabal? I-”

“I can’t...Because of the accident...since then, I haven’t been able to...I’m...physically incapable...The doctors said I’m…” He whispered the word, “...impotent.” Ajay gasped, and he reached for Sabal, arms stopping just short. In a world where being denied sex was equal to being denied purpose in life, impotency for Ajay must be a fate worse than death.

“Sabal, I...I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean-I didn’t know-”

“I know, Ajay. It’s alright, it just...it was just a shock…”

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know, I...what can I do? Anything, I’ll do anything…” Anything to ease the agony of being ‘impotent’. It was all he could do to keep Ajay away from him...for now. When Ajay had recovered...he’d reveal his lie.

“It’s...I’m fine, with physical contact, but...anything sexual is…” He dropped his eyes, and Ajay nodded.

“Of course. I’m sorry again. If I’d known…”

“I know. Like I said, I should have told you, but...well…It’s a little…”

“Embarrassing…”

“To put it lightly.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I’ll...keep it friendly from now on, okay? I just...was feeling neglected, and...well, I’ll keep to myself, now that I know. It’s just...what should I do when...Colonel Vihaan said masturbating was a sign of im- He flinched. “...Sorry.”

“Impotence. Don’t worry, I know what it’s like in the army. It was difficult for the Golden Path, too, but...they all masturbate. It keeps them satisfied. The rule is...well, you’re welcome to make love, but I...simply would prefer not to know about it. Of course I’d rather not be reminded of my...disability.”

“Okay. If that’s how you do things, then I’ll masturbate. I won’t even try to have sex and keep it secret. It would hurt if my actions slipped out, and after tonight...I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” I’m really sorry…” Ajay looked like he wanted to reach forward and touch him, and Sabal smiled, pulling him in for a hug.

“Sabal?”

“I’m alright with touching, Ajay. Just not sexual touches. Do you know the difference?”

“I’m...not sure where the line is. Not here,” he admitted, and Sabal smiled. His first chance to reset normal boundaries.

“Hugs and pats on the back are friendly. Sometimes even a rub can be friendly. Kisses, massages, and the like...are considered too familiar to be friendly.” Ajay nodded.

“Okay. I’ll try to learn.” 

“There's one exception, just for you.” Ajay perked, as Sabal knew he would. It was the closest he would get to sex, and they both knew it. “...Your time in the royal army...the murders you no doubt had to commit...If ever you get nightmares...feel free to come lie beside me. Not sexually you understand, but...just to sleep. The company might help fend off the nightmares, and if they don’t, I’ll be there to help you get back to sleep.”

“I...yeah, thanks. Thanks for doing that for me, even when I…”

“You’re very important to me, Ajay. I may not be able to make love to you, but...I do love you.”

“You do? Then...how does love work for you? Without…”

“Well...it’s little things. Like asking how you’re doing, worrying about you...tending to you and helping relieve your heat stroke, even though you were still siding with the enemy…” Ajay sighed.

“That long…”

“Yes. From the moment I laid eyes on you. I want you to understand...so we can be together. But,” he patted Ajay on the shoulder, “We can talk later. Now, I need to sleep. You need to sleep, too.”

“...Right. I’m...sorry again.”

“Ajay, really.” He patted Ajay on the shoulder, “Relax. It’s alright, I don’t blame you. Just go to sleep, alright? We’ll talk about this later, I promise, but-” He was cut off by a yawn, “I’m exhausted.” Ajay smiled, tentatively patting Sabal back.

“...Okay. Sleep well, Sabal.”


	18. Comfort Hugs and Rabid Dogs

When Ajay left, it was shortly after two in the morning. At four, Sabal called all the soldiers in the Golden Path, in groups, to tell them the lie he had told Ajay. It was up to them to make it believable.

“Please avoid the topic of sex in general. Skirt around it, whisper the words, Ajay needs to think you don’t want to accidentally bring up anything around me. 

“Because you’re...impotent?”

“Yes.”

“Why did you lie to him about this again?”

“Because he was trying to have sex with me, and that wouldn’t be right, not with how skewed his definition of consent has gotten.”

“Ah…” They all looked like they wanted to laugh at him, but they shook their heads and left. It was just about the same each time, until the whole Golden Path knew. At least now the lie would be believable.

The next morning, the Golden Path played their parts perfectly. They were somewhat nervous around Sabal. It was barely noticeable, of course, but they sent pitying glances after him that no doubt Ajay thought he was just picking up on. Sabal called him mid-afternoon the next day.

“I thought I’d check up on you again today. How are you doing?”

“Uh...Still a little...not sure what I’m supposed to do.”

“How so?”

“Well...how do I...show you I...um...how do I show friendliness?”

“A smile, a pat on the shoulder, the back, a brief hug...there are many ways to greet someone, and they don’t necessarily need to involve physical contact.”

“But if we don’t touch it just seems...stiff.”

“Then a pat or a hug will work just fine. Would you like to practice?”

“I, uh...sure…” Ajay reached forward, hesitantly patting Sabal lightly on the shoulder, and Sabal nodded his encouragement.

“Yes, that’s exactly it. You just need more confidence. Like this.” He reached out and gave Ajay's shoulder a couple firm pats as an example. “Now you try.” Ajay nodded, taking a deep breath before giving Sabal’s shoulder a firm pat.

“Too rough?” he asked, and Sabal shook his head with a smile.

“I’m a man, I can take it. Short of knocking me over, you couldn’t possibly be too rough. That was good, Ajay. Keep practicing that every time we see each other, or even when you greet an acquaintance around Banapur. It’ll be second nature in no time.” It probably was second nature at some point, before the royal army raped him to the extent that he forgot what normal friendships looked like. Sabal carefully restrained a grimace before smiling.

“I'm going to head out for a bit. I’ll be back before evening.”

“Where are you going?”

“We...have a bit of a...rabid dog problem. I’m going to sort it out.”

“Alright...Be careful, okay? Is that too...forward?” Sabal smiled.

“No, Ajay. That’s perfect. I’ll be careful, I promise.” 

***

September 25th, 2014

A lot has happened since I wrote last. The Golden Path overtook our outpost. Everyone died. Even Feng. It happened my first day back on duty. I passed out from heat stroke, or I would have fought and died with them. As it was, the Golden Path kidnapped me and took me back to Banapur. They say they want the beatings to stop, just like I do. Their leader, Sabal, let me stay while I recovered, let me decide on my own whether I would stay or go back to the army, and to be honest, Banapur seems like a really nice place. It’s...different, though. Colonel Vihaan used to say that jacking off was a sign of impotence, but Sabal really is impotent. He can’t do anything. The men and women around here all respect that, and keep their sexual activities secret, if they even have any. Sabal says he loves me and, because of his impotence, that’s been a difficult concept to wrap my head around. How can you show somebody you love them if you never make love?

...Feng’s gone. Everyone’s gone, but Feng has done so much for me that he's the one I can’t stop thinking about. I miss him. A lot. I feel like I’m betraying his memory by staying with the Golden Path, but...I can’t go back to the royal army. I haven’t given away any information, but the fact that I wasn’t killed outright means the royal army will think I did. I haven’t started fighting for the Golden Path yet, and Sabal hasn’t really asked me to, but somehow I feel that’s the only way this will end. Sabal wouldn’t let me just hang around for free. He’s given me a lot of time to wrap my head around losing Feng and the different culture here, but sooner or later he’ll want me to start fighting, I’m sure of it.

***

When Sabal returned a few hours later, Ajay happened to be there to greet him.

“Sabal, you’re back...jesus, are you alright? What happened?”

“Hm? Oh, nothing, Ajay,” he said, with an almost forced calm, “I was hunting some wild dogs.”

“Are you...sure? You sound angry…”

“Quite sure. They were rabid dogs, and they had to be put down,” he added matter-of-factly, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to wash off the blood.” He stepped around Ajay, and seconds later a Golden Path woman stepped forward.

“What the hell was that about? Rabid dogs?”

“He said he was going to go hunting before he left…”

“But rabid dogs? It makes no sense, not to mention Sabal has never been that angry before about anything - except Amita, and he certainly wouldn’t be this worked up about a mild dhole problem.”

“He’s covered in blood, too...was that all dhole blood?”

“Well, I guess-”

“Hey guys, did you hear? An entire royal army camp was completely decimated!”

“Royal army camp?” Ajay asked, blood running cold, “Like an outpost?”

“No, but there was a camp of royal army soldiers a little ways away, something about a commander and a couple soldiers or something. Completely shot to shit! ...Er, sorry, Ajay, I know you were with the royal army not long ago…”

“I...don’t worry about it, I guess. I’m not with them anymore…”

“Right...so anyways, nobody knows who did it! Normally Golden Path soldiers have to report when they take on that sort of thing. Bodies on the road are common, but this was way off the beaten path. Someone went looking for these guys.”

“And nobody knows who?”

“Nope! What were you guys talking about, by the way?”

“Ajay was just talking to Sabal, and then he stormed off all in a fury! Ajay said he was hunting rabid dogs, but that doesn’t add up.”

“Rabid dogs? No, that doesn’t add up. ...Maybe HE killed all those royal army goons!”

“That doesn't make sense either, idiot” the Golden Path woman snapped, “When was the last time Sabal blew off steam by killing people? Hell, when was the last time Sabal needed to blow off steam?”

“It’s a good theory, and I’m staying with it. I think I might even congratulate him for killing them.”

“Well have fun getting in trouble,” she snapped, “Bye, Ajay,” she added, patting him and walking away. Ajay frowned. Pats were friendly. She was his friend. It was new, but...it made sense. She patted him  
when she was leaving. Like saying goodbye. Okay. He could do that.

“I think I’m gonna head back and see if Sabal is okay,” Ajay said uncertainly, “I’ll...see you around.” He leaned forward and patted the man on the shoulder before leaving, and felt immensely relieved when the man smiled and nodded in response. He couldn’t wait to share his success with Sabal.

“Sabal?” 

“Ajay, I said I was fine.”

“Yeah, uh...it’s not that. I...I patted someone on the shoulder to say goodbye, and they smiled at me. I did it right.” Sabal sighed heavily, then smiled.

“Good job, Ajay.”

“Are you...aren’t you glad?”

“Yes, Ajay, I am glad.”

“...You’re worries about the rabid dogs, aren’t you?” Sabal sighed.

“Yes, Ajay, I’m worried about the rabid dogs. They...attacked someone very dear to me, and...I...well, I want them to pay.” Ajay had no way of knowing Sabal was talking about him, and that the ‘rabid dogs’ were really royal army soldiers...particularly the camp that Sabal had destroyed in a fit of rage. Ajay’s face fell.

“Oh. Your friend...will they be okay?” Sabal sighed heavily.

“I...I hope so, but...his condition is critical. It could go any way. I'd...like to hope he’s...showing some small signs of improvement.”

“He’ll be okay, Sabal.” Sabal nodded, pulling Ajay in for a hug.”

“I hope so.” Ajay nodded uncertainly.

“So this is...a friendly hug?”

“This is a comfort hug. I’m upset, and need comfort.” 

“Oh, I see. Maybe next time I see someone who’s upset, I can give them a comfort hug.” Sabal hummed.

“Usually the…’mood’ has to be right. When in doubt, ask first.”

“...Okay.”


	19. Conflicted Loyalties

Sabal looked like he might stay there forever if Ajay let him. He did, for a while, but then Ajay pulled back, looking Sabal in the eyes.

“So are you...okay now?” Sabal sighed.

“I’m better, yes. Thank you, Ajay.”

“Yeah. Just...you had me worried for a bit.”

“I’m sorry, Ajay, I didn’t mean to make you worry.” Ajay nodded, opening his mouth to reply, but he was cut off by shouting outside.

“Let me go! Diu lei go hai, you Golden Path bastards!” No...that voice…

“F-Feng?” Sabal’s mouth dropped open as Ajay pushed past him to go outside. Just as he thought, Feng was being half-dragged through the streets, struggling and cursing the whole way.

“FENG!” Feng turned to look, gasping.

“Ajay! Thank god!” Ajay rushed towards Feng, nearly shoving the Golden Path soldiers out of the way to wrap Feng in a hug.

“Feng, thank god, I thought...I thought…”

“I saw them take you, and I vowed to find you...did they hurt you? Did they touch you?”

“Did WE touch him? Did WE TOUCH HIM?! We haven't done anything, it’s YOUR lot who have been raping him nightly!!” Sabal was striding forward, looking furious.

“It's YOUR fault his entire self-image is entirely reliant on whether or not somebody is RAPING HIM!”

“NOBODY RAPED HIM! Ajay loves me, and I love him! It’s YOUR KIND who-”

“St-stop, both of you stop!” Sabal and Feng both stopped their shouting, but continued to glare daggers at each other.

“Nobody raped me, okay? Nobody. Let Feng go.” The Golden Path soldiers looked to Sabal for confirmation, only releasing Feng when he nodded curtly. 

“I thought you were dead,” Ajay sighed, holding Feng tightly.

“Me too.” Feng pulled back and kissed Ajay, and Ajay felt a strange feeling twist his insides, one he couldn’t quite place.

“Feng, if you’re gonna live here, you'll have to follow the rules.”

“They have rules about KISSING?”

“Well, yeah...It’s kind of hard to talk about...in private, okay?”

“Well...It doesn’t matter, I’m taking you back home. King Min himself has been worried sick!”

“I…” Ajay stepped back, averting his eyes.

“...Ajay, everyone’s been worried about you! When he heard what happened, Colonel Vihaan sent troops from his own outpost to search for you!”

“...He did?”

“He begged me to find you and bring you home! When I saw you get taken…I thought I’d never see you again. I at least wanted to find your body and bring you back home, get you a proper burial...You can’t possibly believe these savages when they say we...that we didn’t care? I care about you, Ajay, we all do. Please...come home. Let’s...let’s destroy the Golden Path. They KIDNAPPED you! ...Ajay, please…” 

“I...They’re not evil, Feng…”

“They kidnapped you!”

“They...I’m Mohan’s son, and-” Feng spit. “And...they just wanted me to see them. They’re suffering, Feng. They don’t deserve to be killed indiscriminately.”

“They kill US indiscriminately, why should we not do the same! ...I’m not telling Colonel Vihaan you refused to leave with me, Ajay.”

“Then stay here. Sabal told me to stay for a week and see how the Golden Path lived. After that he said if I wanted to go back he would let me. He even said he’d beat me up so the royal army wouldn’t think I’d deserted them and I’d be welcomed back. So...stay. For a week. Make your own decision. Just walk around, nobody will try to convince you of anything.” Feng was already shaking his head.

“I...can’t.”

“Feng, please-”

“I won’t! I won’t betray the army by considering it! I have a child to protect, and King Min pays handsomely! I can’t lose that! You can flaunt your position because you don’t have to pay for your  
mother’s cancer treatments anymore, but I don’t have that luxury!” Ajay froze, his eyes starting to pool with tears.

“Ajay...I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“I...would give ANYTHING...for her to be alive right now! ANYTHING!!”

“I know, Ajay, I know-”

“And for the record, she would have supported me! If I had changed sides when my mom was alive, she would have supported me, even if that meant she wouldn’t have been getting the money for her cancer treatments! She always wanted me to do what was right, and I’m doing what’s right! These people are suffering!”

“So you’ll get a gun and start shooting us now, right?”

“Stop putting words in my mouth!”

“You have to pick a side, Ajay!”

“I CAN’T!! I can’t right now. I...I can’t. There's too much for me to think about right now.”

“Think about? What do you even have to think about?”

“I’ve seen both sides now, and it’s...my mom, and everything I’ve been feeling…”

“Look, I’m sorry about your mother, you know I am, but the Golden Path needs to be wiped out! You want the fighting to stop, and the only way it's going to stop is for one side to completely obliterate the other. There’s no way we can stop the fighting without anybody dying, so you have to pick who you’re going to kill. You have to make a choice, Ajay, and I’ve made mine.” Ajay took a step back.

“Then get out of here. Go back to Colonel Vihaan, tell him exactly what you think, that the Golden Path has brainwashed me with some bullshit about being raped or beaten or whatever. Tell him I’d been held hostage by the Golden Path too long for you to convince me to change my mind. Now get out of here. Like it or not, I’m Mohan’s son, and I’m Sabal’s friend, which means he’ll listen when I tell him to let you leave unharmed.”

“And don’t come back or I’ll have to kill you, is that it?”

“...Just leave me alone. I can’t go back to the royal army anymore, but I’m not ready to start fighting with the Golden Path yet, either.

“...You know, Ajay...They’ve changed you. You used to be an honourable man. Now you're just a coward.” Feng turned and walked away, and Ajay turned and stormed off as well. Sabal didn’t have to look to know he was crying. Spoken unintentionally or not, using Ajay's mother against him had been a low blow, and Ajay wouldn’t soon forget it.


	20. Just for You

“Ajay? May I come in? Do you want to talk?” Sabal knocked gently on Ajay’s door, waiting outside for permission to enter.

“You...It’s your village, you don’t have to ask to come in.”

“It’s not my village, I’m just the leader sometimes. This certainly isn’t my house anymore, it’s yours. No matter who I am, or what my rank is, I need permission to enter your house. If you don’t want to talk to anybody, you don’t have to let me in.” There was dead silence on the inside, and Sabal felt sick that he couldn’t even call his room his own during his time with the royal army. To this day he still professed that nobody raped him, and Sabal simply couldn’t believe it.

“...It would be rude to refuse though.”

“Not at all, brother. You're upset, nobody would hold it against you if you wanted to be left alone. I was simply asking if you wanted some company, or a shoulder to cry on. Just tell me what you need, and whether that’s company or solitude, I’ll respect your wishes.”

“...I...I could use a little company…” Sabal gently opened the door, coming to sit beside Ajay on the bed.

“But...well, you don’t…How do you plan on comforting me?”

“Do you remember what I said about comfort hugs?” Ajay nodded somewhat uncertainly, leaning in as Sabal opened his arms to wrap them around him.

“I feel…”

“I know, Ajay, I know. It’s a lot to take in.”

“...You’re gonna make me start fighting soon, aren’t you?”

“Not a chance, Ajay. Whether or not to decide to fight is entirely up to you.”

“I can’t just live here for free…”

“You’re Mohan’s son. You could do anything you wanted for free.” Ajay nodded shakily, not wanting to think about it.

“I feel weird…” He murmured.

“Weird like sick?”

“No...well, kind of…I dunno. Things are different now. When Feng kissed me...It used to be so comforting. He was my everything, and his kisses, his arms around me, always made me feel better. But now...back then...it made me feel...it felt...different. Like...I dunno. I wanted to pull away. And I did.”

“Feng’s kiss made you uncomfortable?”

“Yeah...Really, really uncomfortable. Like I was gonna be sick.” Sabal was buzzing with excitement, but his next words could break the progress he’d made. He had to choose them carefully.

“Well...if it makes you uncomfortable, you shouldn't have to force yourself to endure. I’m glad you knew to push away and didn’t  
simply endure it because he was your friend.”

“I wouldn’t endure something like that for anything.” Sabal smiled thinly. If only he knew he already had. Healing was going to be a long, painful process for Ajay.

“...Your touch doesn’t make me uncomfortable,” Ajay added after a few moments’ silence.

“I’m glad, Ajay.” They lapsed into silence for a few more moments before Ajay finally spoke.

“...Can I have another hug?”

“Of course, brother.” A few seconds later Ajay sighed deeply.

“...When mom died...She said she wanted to have her ashes scattered next to Lakshmana.” Sabal perked up immediately, though he didn’t show it. Ajay had mentioned Lakshmana as one of the reservations he had about the Golden Path.

“Pagan wouldn't let me, at first. He said I needed to grieve my mom before he would tell me about Lakshmana. So I stayed with him at the palace for about a week. When he thought I was ready...he told me who Lakshmana was. Apparently Mohan had sent mom to spy on Pagan. Mom and Pagan fell in love and had a daughter.”

“...Lakshmana,” Sabal guessed. It wasn't traditionally a girl's name, but it was a name, and one of Krishna's wives had been named Lakshmana. It must be her. He also guessed this story did not have a happy ending. People did not traditionally request their ashes be spread next to living people.

“Yeah. Mohan…” He stopped, squeezing his eyes shut in an obvious effort to maintain his composure.

“...Found out...and...he murdered her…” Sabal blinked.

“I'm sorry...Mohan murdered...Lakshmana?” Ajay nodded, wiping at his eyes, and Sabal let out a breath. That Pagan had told Ajay this cast the whole story into doubt, but that Ajay’s mother had requested her ashes be spread with Lakshmana proved its truth.

“I’m sorry for your loss. How...old was she?”

“...About a year.” Sabal shuddered with horror. That a child that young had been killed...it was despicable. He couldn’t quite believe that it was Mohan that had done it, but...a child had died, much too young. That was certain.

“...You speak as if you didn’t know of Lakshmana’s passing, and yet, if my knowledge of families is correct, she would have been...your half-sister.” 

“I didn't know. I never knew I had a sister...Mom was probably too...upset...to tell me...Makes sense…” Sabal nodded.

“So...I couldn’t...when I came here...you spoke so highly about Mohan, and I knew you didn’t know, but I just couldn’t...you know.” Sabal nodded.

“I understand, Ajay. I have heard that there are three sides to every story.”

“Your side, my side, and the truth. Mom used to say that too. Always told me to tell the truth and not let my emotions cloud what happened.” Ajay sighed.

“I...I’d like to sleep now, if that's okay.”

“Of course. Would you like me to stay?”

“Uh...either or, I guess. It’s up to you.”

“Are you saying that just to be polite?”

“No. No. I mean it. As long as I get to sleep, it doesn’t really matter if you’re with me or not.”

“I see...Would it be alright if I stayed?”

“Sure, go right ahead.” Sabal smiled, removing his jacket and shoes and crawling into bed with Ajay. Slowly, a smile crept across Ajay’s face.

“This is one of those things that’s...just for me, right? Because you love me?”

“I don’t go around crawling into bed with every person I meet, you know. Yes, this is just for you, because I love you. And because I trust you not to...try anything.” Ajay nodded, smiling as he closed his eyes.

“Okay. Goodnight, Sabal.”

“Goodnight, Ajay.”

***

September 27th, 2014

Feng hates me. Maybe he doesn’t hate me, but now that I’m not with the royal army anymore we can’t exactly be friends. o...I’m not sure I like him all that much either. He called me a coward, and said the only reason I had switched sides was because I didn’t have to pay for my mother’s cancer treatments anymore. Asshole. He sat and held me and made love to me all those times, and he thinks I fucked off because I was done with mom’s cancer treatments. What a jerk. I can’t deny that Feng's rejection hurts. Even if he pissed me off...I feel all alone somehow. 

...Speaking of my feelings, things have changed. Even with Feng. I used to feel so comfortable around him but when he kissed me the other day I felt like I was going to be sick. I never want him to touch me like that again. But him saying I was a coward, walking away like that...I want to go back and beg him to take me back and make love to me. Even the thought of it makes me sick, but I can’t handle him just leaving me like that. What is wrong with me? How can I want something that makes me sick? Why do I want it if it makes me sick? Why DOES it make me sick all of a sudden? Why am I so hung up on Feng, even after he said what he did? I’m a mess right now. I need to sort out my thoughts. 

...On the bright side, Sabal has given me plenty of time to do that. He says I could stay in Banapur forever and never have to repay him if I wanted to. The Golden Path must have really looked up to Mohan, and while I’m grateful that’s given me the freedom to stay here in Banapur, I’d rather not be mentioned in the same breath as Mohan. I can't forget he murdered my sister. I won’t.

...Maybe I ought to radio Pagan, just to let him know where I am. I’d be betraying Sabal by doing that, though, and I don't want to do that. I don’t want to upset him, not when he loves me. I’m getting the feeling I might need him to fill the gaping hole Feng made when he left.


	21. Realizations

Ajay seemed distant recently. It wasn’t that he was rude or unfriendly, but he spent a lot of time lost in thought. It seemed like he wasn’t focusing a lot. When Sabal asked, all he got was ‘I’m just thinking.’ Which would be fine if he wasn’t thinking all the time now. Just when Sabal was getting desperate enough to suggest meditation to the obviously-not-spiritual Ajay, Ajay crawled into bed with him one night, holding him tight.

“...Ajay?”

“Had a bad dream. You said...if I ever had a bad dream…”

“And I stand by that. You’re welcome to sleep here.”

“...Okay…”

“Do you want to talk about your dream?” Ajay shook his head, nuzzling into Sabal’s chest. Sabal sighed, stroking Ajay’s back soothingly. He was breathing heavily now, and it sounded to Sabal as though he were on the verge of tears. He tactfully decided not to comment, Ajay had already said he didn’t want to talk about it. Eventually his motions worked, Ajay settled down and fell asleep, and Sabal closed his eyes as well. Ajay was behaving strangely. He wondered if it had anything to do with his confession that Feng’s touch now made him uncomfortable. Could he still be thinking about that? Their relationship had dissolved rather quickly with their reunion, but they had shared a tender hug in the moments before. He decided not to ask until Ajay spoke to him first.

Two days after that, Ajay vanished. Sabal hadn’t seen him in the morning, and nobody else had seen him, either. Sabal asked that some food be brought to the house he was using, while he himself went out to try and search the roads, just in case. When he came back, around mid evening, the soldier he had asked to give Ajay food had some very disturbing news.

“He’s...distraught. He became violent when we entered. Wouldn’t let us anywhere near him.”

“Violent? How?”

“He threw things at us! ...You’ve gotten close to him, maybe he’ll let you in.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Ajay was not a violent person, Sabal thought with a frown. What had happened? 

“Ajay? Ajay, may I come in?”

“No! Stay away from me!” Already Sabal was starting at a disadvantage. He couldn’t provide a comfort hug like this, but there was no way he would disobey Ajay’s wishes, not when he’d already said that his house was his own and nobody was allowed to enter without his permission, not even him.

“Alright, Ajay, I’ll stay outside. Ajay, have you eaten today? Have you had anything to drink?”

“I don’t care, just leave me alone!”

“Ajay...please. I know you’re hurting, but I can’t help you through it if I don’t know what’s wrong…”

“EVERYTHING’S WRONG! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!” Sabal blinked, and in the sudden silence Ajay broke down and began to cry, curling up in the corner of the room and putting his hands over his ears.

“Leave me alone…” he sobbed, “Just go away…” Sabal sighed, kneeling down and pushing the tray of food as far in as he could without crossing the threshold of Ajay’s home.

“I did not intend to hurt you, Ajay. Just tell me what I have done, and I’ll set it right.”

“You can’t...you can’t make this right...Everything's fucked up, and I’ll never be okay.”

“...You will be okay. I’ve only known you for a short time, but I have come to know you as the strongest man I’ve ever met. Whatever’s wrong...if anyone can get through it, it’s you.” Sabal had a sneaking suspicion that he knew what had Ajay out of sorts, but he wanted to hear Ajay say it. Meanwhile, Ajay shook his head.

“You can’t...there’s no fixing this…” Sabal sighed, deciding to try a different tactic.

“Then maybe we don’t have to try to fix it right now. Maybe...maybe we could start small. You look like you need comfort, Ajay. Would you let me come in and give you a comfort hug?” Ajay hesitated, but slowly he nodded, opening his arms. Sabal jumped in the chance, stepping inside slowly so as not to startle Ajay and wrapping his arms around him. Ajay broke down further, sobbing loudly into his shoulder, and for a while Sabal just held Ajay tight enough to bruise and whispered soothing words to him over and over again.

“It’s all my fault…” He sobbed after a few minutes. Sabal prayed that Ajay was finally ready to open up about what was upsetting him. 

“What’s all your fault?”

“I...I...I went insane!”

“When, Ajay?”

“This whole time! I...I...I just...I...I don’t have the right to be upset!”

“About what?”

“About what happened!”

“...What happened, Ajay?”

“They...they raped me! You were right all along! They raped me, and I just let it happen! I ENJOYED it! And-and here I am, getting all upset when it’s my own damn fault in the first place! If I didn’t want it, I could have fought, but I didn’t! I wanted it! Even with Feng...I wanted it! I...I...I can’t…” Sabal sighed, nodding. He knew it would come to this eventually.

“Ajay...Ajay, listen to me. You...your mind...they changed it, slowly. The rape became your new normal, and your mind forced itself to adapt, to enjoy it, in order to keep your mind intact and to keep you sane. Do you understand?”

“All my fault…”

“Ajay, I read your journals. I think you should read them too.”

“I...what?”

“What I saw in those journals was a man who was disgusted with himself, with being raped. Each journal entry, you slowly became more and more accustomed to the idea. You grew close to Feng because he was the only one there who gave you any choice in the matter. Even when your mind had come to enjoy the suffering, you still clung to Feng, saying you enjoyed being with him more, because he was considerate. I’m not saying Feng was a model lover, but compared with the scum who took you without your permission he was an absolute angel, and that’s why you attached yourself to him.”

“Where...how...how do you know all this? Is it...true?”

“Read your journal again, Ajay. What I’m saying is that your mind...When faced with traumatic circumstances the mind does whatever it can to protect itself, do you agree?” Slowly Ajay nodded.

“That’s...like Stockholm Syndrome. When you get hurt everyday you get used to it so you don’t go insane.”

“You were being raped every day, Ajay. If you hated it the whole time you would have gone mad, possibly even attempted suicide. In order to protect your sanity, you learned to enjoy it. You enjoying what they did to you is no more shameful than putting your arms out to catch yourself when you fall. It will hurt either way, but the hurt will be less with your arms to protect you. You were raped either way, but learning to enjoy it made the hurt less.” 

“...I just...I...Everything is so fucked up, now…”

“I know, Ajay, I know. That’s why I’ve been trying to reteach what normal interactions look like. Comfort hugs, telling you which forms of contact are friendly, and which are too intimate for just friends…?”

“...Pats on the shoulder are friendly. I patted somebody on the shoulder, and they smiled at me.”

“I was so proud of you, Ajay. You were learning normalcy again.”

“Will I ever be able to go back to what my normal was before...before…”

“In terms of your mental state...likely not. There will always be some emotional scarring, I’m afraid, but if you go through the motions enough...I’m sure you can relearn normal interactions again. You learned about comfort hugs and pats on the shoulder, didn’t you? You can learn it again, the same as you did when you were a child, you’ll just...need to study a bit more.” Ajay nodded.

“That day...When...Oh, god...I tried to rape you, Sabal, I-”

“Shh, no, Ajay,” Sabal cut in, shaking your head, “I’ve seen trauma enough times to know what it looks like when you’re just replicating what you’ve been taught. You thought you had been neglected by me, and wanted to feel loved like you did in the royal army. I don’t blame you for that, at all. In fact, I had forgotten about it entirely before you brought it up, so you need to forget about it as well.” Ajay nodded, and then there was a long, long silence.

“Sabal?”

“Yes, Ajay?”

“That night...What you said...That...that was just to get me off of you, wasn’t it? You...you’re not really...impotent, are you?” Sabal smiled.

“...No.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So just a quick question in regards to my writing: How are you finding Feng? How was he as an OC? I thought he had a personality, and personally he's actually one of my favourite characters in the story, but I want to know what you think. Do you like him as a character? Is he too flat? Does he at least have an individual personality, regardless of whether you like that personality or not? If you have any tips on creating OCs (because that's something I've always been hesitant to do), please let me know! It sounds cliché, I know, but I actually do value your feedback!


	22. Study Session

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pink+Tiger asked for more, and so I had to figure out what the hell I was doing with this story. Thanks for the motivation ^^

Sabal gave his men strict orders not to touch Ajay. He was delicate right now, the wounds too fresh. He couldn’t distinguish between touches he wanted and touches he didn’t, and so he simply rejected all touches, save for Sabal’s, and a few very rare exceptions.

“Ajay, can I touch your back?” 

“What for?”

“You have dirt on your jacket, and I'd like to brush it away...if that’s alright with you.”

“Oh...I...guess. Yeah, sure.” Ajay was tense, but the soldier brushed away the dirt quickly, and Ajay decided that wasn’t bad.

“...Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome, Ajay. ...Can I pat your shoulder?”

“...Like...a friendly pat?”

“Exactly.”

“Uh...sure.” A friendly pat on the shoulder, and the soldier nodded and left.

“I got a friendly pat today,” Ajay reported with a smile, “And he brushed dirt off my back, too.”

“Good, Ajay,” Sabal responded with an equally wide grin, “And you weren’t uncomfortable?”

“Only at first. But then he touched me and it was okay, so I was fine.”

“Good. I’m so proud of you, Ajay, truly. You’re learning.”

“Yeah…”

“...Ajay? What is it?”

“Well...I just...I’ve been thinking about when people used to touch me in America, as a starting point...because that was before everything, right?”

“Right…” 

“And...well...I didn’t get touched very often. Mom gave me a hug before I left, but all the guys I used to hang around with…” Jase… “...They didn’t touch me much. Or at all. Like, friendly pats and comfort hugs are a thing in America, but...not nearly as much.”

“Ahh...Perhaps we Kyrati truly are more physical than Americans. Every lie has an element of truth, right?” He spit the words like they disgusted him, and they did. He could be open with Ajay about how heinous the royal army’s actions were, and he was glad for that.

“I guess...Um...I’ve also been thinking about...my old boyfriend.”

“...Feng?”

“No, a guy from America...Jase.”

“Ah. What about?”

“Well...I dunno. He used to kiss me without asking a lot, but I liked it. Isn’t that like what happened with...the royal army? But that was in America. Is that okay?”

“If you loved him, then...hmm...It’s difficult to explain.”

“Try?” 

“Hmm...Well...Generally, it’s best to ask before you kiss someone, even if you two were dating.”

“Okay.”

“But there are nonverbal cues, as well. Ways to ask without opening your mouth and saying it. There are ways to agree or disagree, too, without saying anything.”

“...Okay…”

“But, when two people are in a relationship, and consent has been given many times before...well, kisses are generally considered…moderate? On a scale of intimacy, and so consent after a period of time can be implied. He kissed you assuming you would be alright with it, because you were alright with it many times before.”

“Isn’t that wrong? You should never assume.”

“Well...It’s a bit of a grey area. Because you two were in a relationship, implied consent happens more often. I should be clear, though, friendly touches and kisses are low to moderate on an intimacy scale. Intimate touches and sex still need to be asked for every time, and it’s usually best to do so verbally, though nonverbal cues can be given.”

“What’s the difference between friendly and intimate touches?”

“It’s very simple, really.” Sabal reached up and patted Ajay on the shoulder.

“Friendly…” He moved his hand up to hover above Ajay’s cheek.

“Stretching the boundaries…” He moved his hand down towards Ajay’s crotch, and Ajay grabbed his wrist before he could get anywhere near.

“...Intimate,” Sabal finished, “And, while we’re on the subject, you have given me a nonverbal cue that you are not comfortable with me touching you there. Do you know what?”

“...I made you stop.”

“Exactly. You made me stop. Now at this point, you have made your boundaries clear, and to respect them, I would pull my hand back and apologize.” He tugged his hand slightly, and Ajay let it go.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. If it helps, I never intended to actually touch you, merely hold my hand overtop like I did with your face.” Now, since your boundaries have been overstepped, you can choose whether to accept my apology or not.”

“Well...you were just trying to make a point, so...it’s okay. You won’t do it again?”

“Of course not.”

“Then yeah, it's okay.”

“Now, to make another point, what if it were, say...that man over there? If he walked up and reached for your crotch, would you be as forgiving?”

“I...well...no. What the hell?”

“Exactly. Your relationship with somebody can have an impact on how forgiving you are when they overstep your boundaries, or even if they overstep at all.”

“Oh, okay. What are the nonverbal cues?”

“Well, there are a few, and many of them involve moving with deliberate slowness, to give your partner plenty of time to say something or intervene. For example, I could move my hand towards your neck very slowly so you have time to turn your head or step away...or ask “What the hell”. Another way I could ask nonverbally would be to put my hand somewhere you’re comfortable with, such as your shoulder, and then slowly slide my hand up towards your neck. This has the added benefit of telling me exactly where your boundaries are. For example, directly on your neck might be forbidden, but you might be comfortable with my hand being slightly closer to your neck while still on your shoulder.”

“I...wow. This is a lot.”

“When in doubt, state your boundaries, and verbally ask what somebody’s boundaries are. Also, keep in mind that boundaries are fluid. I overstepped by attempting to reach for your crotch, and so you may not be comfortable with me touching your shoulder anymore, where you were before. Make sense?”

“I...yeah...I think it'd be weird if you touched my shoulder now. But...I mean...will that be forever?”

“No, of course not. I overstepped, and you’re not comfortable with my touch. I now need to prove to you that I will not attempt to overstep again before you let me back in. That will take time. You’ll notice I’ve made no attempts to touch you since, and if and when I do, I’ll start slow. Friendly pats, or Ajay-you-have-dust-on-your-back touches. Unless you directly ask me for something. Make sense?”

“I...yeah. I mean...I get it, but...I also feel like...you’re being super considerate.” Sabal smiled wryly.

“Well...I love you, Ajay. I hate what they did to you, and I want to make sure you recover. More than that, though...I do want you, intimately, but I won’t do that while you’re still recovering from your trauma. So...if I help you recover…”

“You get to be with me.”

“Properly, like a normal couple.”

“I don’t know what’s normal anymore…” Ajay said mournfully.

“And we won’t be together until you do.”


	23. Feng

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to write a sad ending for these two, I really did. Also, for future reference, the translations you're looking for are "I'll fucking castrate you", "Fuck your whole family", "I'll fucking castrate you", again, and "Fuck you in the cunt".

October 2nd, 2014

I’m learning, I think. I can kind of get a sense of what touches are okay and what kind I don’t see at all. I read my journals again like Sabal said, and he was right. I hated it. Looking back, I can remember hating it. Even the first time Feng and I made love...or whatever you want to cal it, because it sure as hell wasn’t love...I cried. I just forgot how much I hated it. Like Sabal said, I had to adapt. I guess that makes me feel a little better. It helps knowing I’ll never have to go back to that. 

I wonder about Feng a lot. Honestly, considering what the Royal Army did to me...sometimes I get so angry that Feng is the only reason I don’t pick up a gun and fight. I just...somehow I don’t want to...betray him, or something. I wish he would come over to my side. That I could make him see what the Royal Army did to him too. He knew though, and he loved every second of it, right from the beginning. What does that mean? That he’s too far gone to be saved? What can I do? We’re...even despite everything what happened...Feng was gentle. Feng cared. Feng...I...It feels like he was the only one who didn’t rape me. Through everything, I think we were friends. I don’t want to lose that.

***

“I SEE THE ENEMY!!”

“WAIT, WAIT!! I SURRENDER!! DON’T SHOOT!!!” Feng? No way, he left...Ajay pushed his way to the front, where the Golden Path had already captured and tied him up, and it was Feng. He looked like an absolute mess, and he lost it the second he saw Ajay.

“YOU SON OF A BITCH! NGOH JAU YIM LEI!!! DIU LEI TSUEN GA!!!” Feng lunged, and even though he was surrounded by Golden Path and couldn’t get anywhere near Ajay he flinched back anyways.

“Feng? Feng, what the hell are you doing? What’s wrong? Why did you surrender!”

NGOH JAU YIM LEI, YOU BITCH! DIU LEI GO HAI!” 

“I don’t have a cunt…” Ajay muttered to himself, and Feng looked even more ready to commit murder.

“I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!” A sharp bark in Hindi, and the soldiers dragged Feng off, ignoring his protests and curses that they probably couldn't understand anyways.

“We’ll bring him somewhere and lock him up until he cools off,” Sabal said from behind him, “And then we’ll find out what this is about.”

“He surrendered,” Ajay said immediately, “Don’t hurt him.”

“I don’t intend to, brother. He clearly came here for a reason, but seeing you made him too angry. Did you...You didn’t part on the best terms last time, but I don’t see why he would be this angry. Do you know what happened?”

“No, I don’t have a clue…”

“Then we’ll let him relax before we talk to him. He can tell us what his problem is in his own time.”

“You won’t hurt him?”

“Not unless he gives us a reason to, but he’ll be locked up. We should be alright.” Ajay nodded.

“Okay…”

***

The next morning, Ajay was told Feng wanted to see him. Privately. Ajay was obviously nervous, considering the greeting from last time, but he went. Two armed guards were there, and Feng was tied up, but that didn’t do much for his anxiety.

“F-Feng?” He ventured, and Feng looked up, more sullen than angry...for now.

“Ajay. I’m...sorry I yelled at you. That wasn’t fair of me. I...don’t really know what came over me.”

“That’s...okay.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay, really.”

“...Okay.”

“...What...what happened?” Feng bowed his head, and seconds later Ajay heard sobbing.

“Feng? Hey...Uh...Can I give you a hug?”

“You’re such a fucking prude, Ajay…Yes, you can give me a damn hug…” 

“It’s more that I’m afraid you’re gonna try to jump me again,” Ajay DIDN’T say, because Feng was having a bad enough day already. He knelt down and wrapped his arms around Feng as best he could with Feng’s arms tied behind his back, using a hand to wave down the Golden Path soldiers as they tensed at Ajay’s closeness to the prisoner.

“What happened, Feng?” he asked quietly.

“I...I tried to get you back…” he sobbed, and Ajay frowned.

“You told me everyone was trying to get me back…”

“No...no, after that…When I told them you wouldn’t come back, you were branded a traitor…But I...I didn’t...I couldn't let them just kill you...I tried to get Vihaan to see reason...If they could just kidnap you like the Golden Path did, you’d come back to us! The royal army...everyone loves you! They wouldn’t kill you, not over something small like this! But...but then...I...I...I don’t even know when it happened...I...I snuck away to...to go see you again...I was going to kidnap you and-and make them see reason...I stopped at home to tell my wife I was going to be gone for a while, but...when I got there…” He dissolved into tears, and Ajay closed his eyes.

“She...no way...She wasn’t...dead? There’s...Look, the Royal Army are assholes, but they wouldn’t…”

“They did. She was dead. They killed her, Ajay. Because I left to find you. She...she was eight months pregnant! We...we hadn’t even decided on a name, I was just gonna call him Junior until we figured it out...Ajay, I...Why would they do this? WHY?! Even if they labeled me a deserter, my FAMILY…! ...And...and then...I realized...they did it all the time. Families of suspected Golden Path members were killed...it was never a problem until…”

“Until it became my problem.” Neither one of them had to finish the sentence for them both to hear it in the air.

“...I knew you would be here...It...You were the only person I had left...The Golden Path love you because of your father, I knew they would listen when you told them not to kill me...I surrendered, and...and they’ve been so damn NICE to me, compared to what the royal army did with their prisoners...I...I just wanted to go quietly, but then I actually saw you, and…”

“It was you wanting to save me that made them kill your family. I’m so sorry, Feng…”

“No. No, it...it was irrational, I wasn’t thinking straight.”

“Nobody would be thinking straight, I don’t blame you in the slightest. Besides, it’s partially true.”

“No. No. You...you shouldn't condemn innocent people for things they didn’t do. They shouldn't have killed my family because I deserted the Royal Army, and I shouldn’t have blamed you when you had nothing to do with my family’s death. I just...I found them only days ago, the memory of it…” He started to sob again. Ajay held him close, but then reached behind him and untied him.

“A-Ajay…?”

“I’ll have a word with Sabal. You don’t deserve to be tied up, not after this.” Feng blinked, looking confused, but Ajay smiled. 

“We’re friends.”

“But, Ajay...I said awful things…” 

“It’s okay. The Golden Path gave me a place to stay, and they’ll give you one too.”

“Ajay, I...don’t know what to say…”

“You don’t need to say anything, just...give me a comfort hug?”

“...What the fuck is a comfort hug?”

“Well...it’s just like a regular hug...You give comfort hugs when people are sad and need comfort.”

“What the fuck do YOU need a comfort hug for?”

“...I missed you...And I’m still hurting over...what happened last time…I wanted to make it up to you so badly, but…” Feng sighed.

“I was angry, and I said awful things. What I said about your mother...I am so sorry, Ajay.” He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Ajay, who sighed heavily. 

“...Alright, get up,” Ajay said, “Let’s go have a chat with Sabal.”

***

“Ajay! ...Feng.”

“How the fuck- ...Sorry. How do you know my name?”

“When we first took Ajay, he thought you were dead, and considering we had been trying to kill everyone, we had no evidence to the contrary. He was grieving you, and I asked him to tell me about you, to help heal. From what I hear, you’re a cheerful man who enjoys life, and...perhaps swears a little too much.” 

“That...is...pretty accurate…” Feng admitted reluctantly, and Sabal smiled.

“I thought it might be. So, you’re untied...I imagine that’s Ajay’s doing. Care to tell me what's going on?”

“Uh...after he left...he kept trying to say that I was just brainwashed and that I could come back...When he left to find me and take me back they branded him a traitor and killed his wife and unborn child.” Sabal sighed.

“I’m deeply sorry for your loss…” He eventually said, “...But I can’t say it’s unexpected. It happens to our families all the time. Why should I take pity on your family when you never took pity on ours? It’s only a problem now that it’s affected you, what does that say about your character? About the way you treated us? Why should I give you a place to stay here? “Because Ajay said so” isn’t going to work this time, I need something more. How can I trust you won’t turn tail and run the second things get difficult?”

“Because...Ajay is here.”

“I already said-”

“Not because he’s the son of Mohan or you look up to him or anything,” Feng interjected quickly, “But...because of him. He’s my friend. We...we were close, and...and I need to prove to him that I’m better than...what I said last time.”

“And after Ajay has forgiven you? What then?”

“Sabal, is this really-”

“Yes it is, Ajay. I know he’s your friend, but to me he’s a royal army spy. It’s happened before. How do we know his family is even dead? Well?” Feng flinched, then pulled a photograph out of his pocket.

“This is her,” he said shakily, “Surely you would have noticed…”

“I’ve seen that photo,” Ajay said, trying to help Feng, “You showed it to me ages ago. This was before she was pregnant, right?”

“She was two months pregnant,” Feng said, “Wouldn’t let me take a picture of the bump yet, so she insisted on standing forward…” Sabal took the photo, frowning. Wonderful. One of Pagan’s foreign soldiers married and impregnated a Kyrati woman. Their child would have been another disgusting half-breed, and frankly he wasn’t terribly upset that they had died...but Sabal didn’t say that out loud. Not to Ajay, and certainly not to Feng, who was looking more and more like a grieving husband with every second. He almost believed his story. Almost, but not quite.

“I read a report on this,” Sabal said, “Her throat was cut. A brutal murder, there was blood everywhere.”

“...She was shot. Point-blank. There was barely any blood,” Feng said, frowning, “I saw her body.” 

“...Yes, indeed she was,” Sabal said, “Alright, you pass. I believe you. Be warned I’ll be keeping you on a tight leash until I learn to trust you. You’re not to leave Ajay’s side, understand?”

“Yes, sir. ...Just like the old days.” Ajay smiled.

“Thank you, Sabal.”

“I didn’t shoot him for you. Letting him stay was my choice entirely, to prove the Golden Path is on the right side of history.”

“Thank you anyways.”

“I don’t like him, and I don’t think I ever will.”

“...Thank you anyways.” Sabal sighed, shaking his head.

“Just get out of my sight, both of you. I need to pray to Kyra for forgiveness.”


	24. Communication Attempt

“So what the fuck is that guy’s name?”

“Sabal. As far as I understand he pretty much runs the show here.”

“Does he hate me or something?”

“Uh...It’s complicated.”

“I’ve got time.”

“Well, uh...I'm not sure you’re gonna like this, but...well...in Kyrat, or at least with the Golden Path...and back in America...It’s...not okay for people to just walk in your room and have sex with you.”

“It’s plenty okay if you want it.”

“But I didn’t. And nobody cared.”

“I cared!”

“...Yes, you did, but...But it was okay for you, that that was happening to me.”

“It’s how we did things.”

“That doesn’t make it right. I didn’t want to be raped-”

“Colonel Vihaan gave you time to adjust!”

“Being raped should never happen, Feng. Ever. A few weeks to emotionally prepare myself doesn't make it right. Anyways, Sabal hates you because you represent what happened with the royal army.”

“Nothing happened.”

“Then explain to me why I’m afraid of all forms of physical contact now.” Feng faltered, and Ajay sighed.

“Whatever you think, I hated it. I just...didn’t let myself hate it, because there was no getting out of it. It was enjoy it or make my life hell. But...I’m free of that now. And we’re together again. I...things are looking up.”

“...Whatever. ...I’m glad to be back with you.”

“Yeah, me too.”

***

October 7th, 2014

I’m with Feng again. I couldn’t be happier to have him with me and to have made up after last time, but things are still tense. Mostly on my end, though. He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get why the royal army was wrong to hurt me like that. He accepts that I was hurt, and keeps his distance...mostly. But he doesn’t get it. He said once that we used to make love all the time, and that he doesn't get why I’m not letting him anywhere near me now. And I can’t explain it to him because he doesn’t get it. That hurts. I...it feels like he might try something, because he doesn’t understand that he'd be hurting me. We sleep in separate rooms because of it. I’ve been staying with Sabal because of it. I know he’ll keep me safe. Sabal hasn’t pushed his boundaries, but he also seems to enjoy the fact that we’re sharing a bed, a lot. He wants us to be together. I want us to be together too. He’s attractive, and frankly he’s the only person in this whole damn country who’s been kind of me. Except Pagan. I need to get in touch with him, let him know I’m okay. I’m not sure that will go over well, though…I’ll have to talk to Sabal about it. Tomorrow.

***

“Pagan? Pagan Min? You want to radio PAGAN? No, Ajay, I won’t allow it.”

“But-”

“No, and this time I’m not budging. Pagan is a tyrant and I won’t have you broadcasting the Golden Path’s location to him. It'd be the end of us.”

“But he’s my dad!” MORE royal army bullshit?!

“Ajay, no. Your father is Mohan Ghale, and-”

“Fine, my stepdad then, if you wanna get technical. The point is, he cares about me, and he deserves to know I’m not dead!”

“I told the royal army you weren’t dead,” Feng cut in.

“You see? Listen to your friend, he’s talking sense for the first time since I’ve met him.”

“He also told them I was being held hostage, which I’m not.”

“And if Pagan was so concerned for your wellbeing, then why has he not sent a fully armed battalion into Banapur to save you? He is the king, after all, it would be no trouble at all for him to do so. The fact that he hasn’t tells me he isn’t interested in saving you.”

“But-”

“No, and that’s my final answer. I’m sorry, Ajay.”

***

There was a belltower, no more than a few hundred metres away. If he could get to it, he could radio Pagan, just for a few minutes to let him know he was alright. It would be a short conversation, not long enough for Pagan to determine his location. He’d tried proposing the plan to Sabal and was met with another firm no. He was slowly coming to the realization that he’d have to do this without Sabal’s permission...or Pagan might actually send a fully armed battalion into Banapur to check on him.

“Feng? We’re sneaking out of Banapur.”

“Well,” Feng said with a grin, “You know I’m always up for a little good-natured troublemaking.”

***

“Good evening, brother. Feng.”

“Hey, Sabal.”

“A bit late for a walk, isn’t it?”

“I can’t sleep. I was hoping a midnight walk might help.”

“Ah, I see. I hope it wasn’t me going for a walk that disturbed you?”

“No, I just...had a bad dream, and couldn’t get back to sleep.”

“In that case, I’m sorry I wasn’t there to soothe you. Now, your bad dream, it wouldn't have had anything to do with that belltower you’ve been eyeing, would it?” Ajay’s words failed him for a second, only a second, but it was enough.

“Ajay, I made my decision clear, and I stand by it. The safety of my people here in Banapur is paramount, and that’s final. If this is going to be an issue, I will detain you. Please don’t let it come to that.”

“...It won’t.”

“Good. I have a feeling you’ll be able to sleep now, should you go back to bed.”

“Yeah.”

Three days and another failed attempt to reach the belltower later, Ajay was sitting miserably in a cell, and another Golden Path soldier had been assigned to Feng until Ajay learned his lesson.


End file.
